Alright, internets, I told you I might vent a little…and here I go!
Todd is now mostly to California, and if I want to see him again anytime soon then I’ve got to get this house put together!
Here’s where packing and I don’t mix…it involves not only putting together everything that is special and that we’ll need to take with us, but also getting rid of or giving away a whole bunch of stuff that we don’t want to take with us. And I have a hard time letting things go. I mean, a psychotically hard time. I save everything that I associate with a memory, to the point of any kind of ticket to an event or transportation…trinkets…cards and notes…just now I found a bunch of candy wrappers with cute sayings on them that I wanted to save. I’ve been known, back in the day, to hold on to gum wrappers from old boyfriends. The only thing keeping me clean and tidy, rather than living in some kind of jam packed overstuffed house where one day they have to pry me out through an open window because there’s no path to the door, is Todd and his immaculate ways.
The biggest part of this move is choosing to let it all go. We’ve decided to go ahead and take a leap to doing something we’ve always talked about…live with our family in an RV and hang out for a little while, moving around. We’ll stay central to where Todd’s job is, but there’s a lot of coastline out there in California with a lot of space for us to stay. So, when I leave here with the kids, I’m only taking what will fit in an RV.
As Todd was trying to gently talk me down from the ledge when I realized how much stuff that would leave behind, he suggested we NOT store it in a storage place and pay money to not use it. I resisted. I cried. I got mad, actually, and forbade him from speaking about it. (I am SOOOO reasonable…)
Interestingly, the kids and I started studying Buddha and buddhism for our human rights month in December, and a lot of things melted into my consciousness. One, that suffering comes from attachments. Not that I’m suffering at all, but it did make me think about all the things I am not doing in my life because I’m so full up with meaningless attachments to objects. What I’m not doing because I love this house. Where I’m not going because I’m rooted here with all this stuff around me. All the money we spend to keep all this stuff under one roof. It just started my wheels turning. Here we had a chance to live a small part of an RV dream, and I was seriously not going to do it because I couldn’t let go of inanimate objects.
But the kicker was a quote from Buddha that says, “This is not mine. This I am not. This is not myself.” I looked around my house, at all my things, and realized I was not any of them. And they weren’t really a part of me. It was one of those shifts in consciousness where one minute you can feel one way, and then BAM! everything changes. And all of a sudden instead of seeing stuff I felt connected to, I just saw stuff.
And so now I’m sitting around whittling down this stuff into whatever can fit into an RV, and the rest we’re selling or giving away. Furniture, knick knacks, books, games, toys, electronics…everything must go! I still have frequent panic attacks when I think about letting go of some things, but I’ve written that quote on anything in sight and it helps me prioritize what we need to live versus stuff that is cluttering up my conscious and anchoring me down.
There have been some tears, I won’t lie, but today when I looked over at the boxes full of stuff to sell, I breathed a little easier. Sometimes attachments can be heavy, and as I start letting go I’m feeling a little lighter. I kind of like it!