2e Tuesday::How To Handle The Critics.

Posted by tiff in Dyslexia, Out Of The Box Thinkers | 4 comments

This post about handling people who make ignorant and critical comments about dyslexic kids is inspired by a question I received, asking:

“Recently a relative announced in a room full of relatives, that M. was just lazy and idle, and that he could read if he wanted to, he just needs pushing more. All heads turned to me, and I found myself trying to calculate who was in agreement with her, and how I should play this out….as my initial reaction was to shake the relative so hard that their teeth rattled. Not a good advert for unschooling, dyslexia or me in general.

What should I have said, what would you say? I don’t want to come across as a mother defending her child regardless, but I am so annoyed that people can think such idiotic things.

I want to know how to handle family, critics from all areas, in a gracious but not weedy way. I want to stand up for what we do and why we do it without sounding like a fanatic.”

This is a tricky situation. It would be easier if the goal was to handle family and critics while sounding like a crazy beyotch, because that’s exactly where my mind goes when someone demeans my efforts as a mom and/or my child’s efforts as a learner. It’s also tricky because often the harshest criticism comes from the people in our immediate circle–friends and family. It’s easy enough to call some stranger on the street an ignorant asshole (like the guy whoo asked if I was planning on ‘home employing’ my kids after I was done ‘home schooling’ them), but dealing with friends and family requires an effort to be respectful even if they aren’t.

My fall back is always humor. Humor, humor, humor, even though it’s not funny at all for a grown woman to call a 6 year old lazy and idle. It’s not funny AT ALL to suggest pushing and coercion as an answer to remedy a learning difference. As parents of dyslexic kids, and possibly as dyslexics ourselves, we understand how terribly difficult things are like reading/writing are to a mind that works in a different way altogether. A mind that doesn’t associate meaning to symbols easily, and that trips up on something that seems so ‘easy’ to everyone else. We understand what it’s like to watch a bright, gifted, intelligent child suffer from low self esteem and self doubt because they know that they are different and get frustrated and upset because of it. We understand that they work 100% harder to learn some things, even if it looks like they have only learned 10% of what ‘other kids’ have mastered easily.

So, I don’t mean humor as in, ‘haha, that’s funny you’d say that!’. I’ve learned the truth to this quote by Max Eastman: “Humor is the instinct for taking pain playfully.” Which is mirrored by Bill Cosby (whose son, Innis, was dyslexic): “You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.”

Humor is good not only for handling ignorant people, but also in helping our kids develop an important skill in handling their dyslexia. Humor also disables the ignorant person’s arsenal of weapons like righteous indignation and saying things for the betterment of the child, while still getting your point across.

My first inclination would be to answer back, “Oh, is that right Aunt so-and-so. Is that what’s keeping you from making a decent meal? Laziness? Is all you need a little push?” or, “Scary to take your advice, seeing how your own kids turned out…” But that’s just as nasty and mean spirited as the initial comment. (But soooo tempting!)

To avoid making those statements, I clear my head and my heart and just assume the person is so ignorant they have no idea how hurtful they just were. I assume they have no malice towards me or my child and want to be educated about it. I keep my emotions and tone light, like cotton candy. I realize, like the question pointed out, that I am an ambassador of dyslexia/unschooling/homeschooling, and it would be best to keep my cool. I pretend that they are my best friend asking for an explanation out of the goodness and love of their heart, even if their question or statement is made from a place of fear and bullying.

I stop and repeat, like the famous “Don’t have me because I’m beautiful” ad, “Don’t hate them because they’re ignorant!”

As an ambassador, it’s important to have a lot of facts stored in our heads…not only to share with the people around us but also to share with our dyslexic kids. Some things that have helped me are:

what dyslexics have said about being dyslexic
strengths of dyslexia
the lists of famous people with dyslexia
Additional list here
an entire website devoted to interviews from famous dyslexics
videos on youtube that talk about dyslexia, like this one:

In this way, I can approach whatever people say with facts, in a humorous lighthearted way. My fall back is always something like, “Yeah, they said that about Albert Einstein/Thomas Edison/Winston Churchill, who all had dyslexia. Luckily they had compassionate people around them who were able to support them and give them time to learn in their own way!” Incidentally, Albert Einstein and Thomas Edison were both homeschooled. As well as a bunch of other famous and impressive people.

I’ve discovered that most people are critical if they feel like I am the only person in the world to homeschool my dyslexic child, but if I mention it’s been done for some random famous person who had dyslexia (like Leonardo freaking Da Vinci!) it really changes their attitude a lot.

But the bottom line is, while we have an opportunity to educate people everywhere we go about dyslexia and homeschooling, it’s not up to us to make them listen or even respect it.

At the end of the day, the only thing that matters about dyslexia is that your child and you learn to accept and respect it. And even get to a point where you can celebrate the gifts that come along with it while tempering the heartwrenching frustrations that also come along with it. Helping your child learn how not to cry every day because of it, helping them find their own smile and appreciate their own strengths while accepting the things that are hard for them…those are the things that matter most. And if you and your child can do that, then it really doesn’t matter who does or doesn’t support or understand the road you are going down.

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