Bullies Are Bullied First. Usually By People Trying To Be “Good Parents”
Disclaimer: I have used my kids as weapons. Not just once. And not just on an airplane. But on a train, and bus, and subway, too. Chances are if you’ve been douchey enough to openly disrespected me, my parenting, or my children, I’ve sat really close to you or behind you and encouraged wild, loud, rowdy, disruptive behavior in my kids while you fumed. It’s a strategy I like to call, “One good douche deserves another”. I guess you can call this post the virtual equivalent.
So, there’s this article over at CNN called, “Permissive Parents: Curb Your Brats!” By LZ Granderson. The subtle as a jackhammer author starts his article with “I do not love your child. The rest of the country does not love your child either.” He then spends the rest of the article being even more charming…if your name is “Wicked Stepmother”.
He advocates giving “The Look” to stop kids in their tracks, this look being “introduced early and reinforced diligently with consequences for transgressions.” In addition to child free cruises and resorts, he’d love to see more kid free zones in places like restaurants, airlines, malls, and perhaps (reading between the lines, I’d say he’s implying) the entire world. He thinks a healthy spanking for “small kids” shouldn’t be “taken off the table”. He does, incidentally, have a child.
He finishes, after acknowledging he might sound like an “old school” “ogre”, by saying this:
This is the part of child-rearing people don’t like to discuss, because socially, it’s not OK to dislike kids. The ugly truth is it’s the spineless parents who parade their undisciplined children around like royalty that make people dislike kids.
And while I could spend hours and hours disagreeing with everything he’s said, I won’t. Because it doesn’t further a discussion, and this is a discussion people need to be having. This is an article that should be read, and most of the 4,500 comments agreeing with him too, because it highlights a very important truth happening in our culture.
Our culture dislikes kids. And it’s not, contrary to what Mr. LZ thinks, because of permissive parents who fail to hit their children. It’s because hate and disrespect is a part of being human, and it creates a cycle. And if you read through the article and most of the comments after it, you can see this traumatic cycle happening so clearly in lives, in families, and saddest of all, to children.
LZ learned not to “act up” because his mom used “the Look” and also “growing up, [some things] would have earned much more than “the look” from my mother.”
I know what he means about this “Look”. It’s what happens when a child is expressing themselves in some way, and the parent wants them to stop, and so they have this cue that stops the behavior. Why? Because the child is scared. I had ‘The Look’ used on me, as well as the “back of the neck squeeze” and the finger snap. I know that to get “The Look” to work is to reinforce it, usually starting with a very young child, with physical violence. Then by the time they get a few years older, you don’t have to smack them anymore, because the association is already there. I was spanked. My parents are good people, but they were taught to give this “Look” because that’s how they were parented. That’s how the cycle starts. From one generation to another, we pass down violating and disrespecting a child’s emotional and physical space.
From one generation to another, we slowly destroy the emotional lives of children and call it “good parenting”.
The tone of both the article and the comments after it are incredibly, mind-blowingly, aggressively, disrespectful. Their words and attitudes point out what happens to people who are emotionally bullied as kids. We can use their own arguments as counter-arguments. I am trying to teach my kids to be compassionate, loving, respectful, and connected by being compassionate, loving, respectful and connected to them. I don’t use discipline like a club, and I don’t use it to condition their behavior to please me or the people around me. In fact, I don’t use it much at all.
Everyone should read this article and all the comments after it, because it highlights so clearly a very significant problem we have going on with our children. People are scratching their heads about all the bullying happening…tragic, traumatic bullying that causes kids to choose suicide over living…without realizing that the seed of bullying comes from this idea we have of what ‘good parenting’ looks like. If we continue to bully our kids to be “good” “quiet” and “meek” by using physical force (however mild), withdrawal of love, and conditional acceptance, then we are to blame. We are the bullies. We can be nice, we can be oblivious to it, we can justify it, we can deny it, we can do it out of love, and we will still be bullies undermining the emotional and mental health of a child. Anytime a discipline is based on compulsion and detachment, it is contrary to what a child needs to develop a healthy sense of control and balance.
The effect of all this is intolerance. When you are not tolerated for being who you are, then you cannot tolerate other people for being who they are. Because you were denied a safe, accepting, attached way of living, it’s easy to deny this to others. The cycle starts again. For those trying to break the cycle, society comes down pretty hard sometimes. It takes a lot of courage to parent peacefully, giving your child respect and room to grow into who they want to be. Contrary to most mainstream child psychology books; childhood is wild, loud, and rambunctious. I celebrate that! I wish kids today had more support and tolerance from the adults around them. I wish the idea of what a good parent was, could include a wider range of acceptable behavior in their kids. I wish kids could be kids without being punished for it.
I wish our culture didn’t hate kids so much, and didn’t cycle that hate over and over.
Don’t believe it happens like that? Look at the cycle in some of the comments:
“Heck, my mom would take me to the car, put me in it. Close the door and (not advocating smoking but explaining) stand outside it while I threw a tantrum and smoked a cigarette. I can remember her asking someone in the grocery store to put the cart in the cooler, she’d be back after the tantrum. I did it to my kids….all three of them. I’ve got the look and they respond. I even have a child with disabilities that I have to snap my fingers at and then give the look….works like a charm.”–this is from MomnParadise, who calls kids “monsters” earlier in her comment.
“Why does mom have to take the shriekers out shopping on the weekend? Why can’t they go to dinner and get a babysitter? Taking a baby/small child to a library, theater, or museum? Why? I am at the point where, if we are seated in a restaurant near a baby/small child, I ask the waiter if we can have another table. If we have a screamer nearby, I will say something about it within earshot of the inconsiderate parents.”
“When I acted up I was given a spanking AND removed from the location. Needless to say I didn’t keep doing it!”
“I agree with that punishment, unfortunately it falls under the “thats abuse” crud you’ll hear people complaining about all the time. I am quite stern with my kids, but I find myself unable to be quite as stern in public because of the fear someone will find my methods to be abuse, even if they aren’t. My son is great, we’ve had our problems but…he also has a form of autism…My daughter is what is known as a “high spirited child”, every punishment under the sun doesn’t work well with her but I keep at it anyways.”
and…more of the same…page after page. Thousands.
If you are still using compulsion and emotional/physical coersion to ensure that your child is “well behaved” and “fitting in to society”, consider they might grow up to be an intolerant, unfeeling blogger who advocates hitting young kids.
And if you are trying to break the cycle into more peaceful attached parenting at the price of bucking the system, consider you will deal with douchebags who aren’t afraid to bully you or your child to get you to stop. So find some good supportive friends, muster up your courage, and be awesome! Choose joy. Call bullshit on the rest.
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I've noticed this hatred towards kids. I've also noticed a lot of people who don't have children are quick to offer parenting advice. My kids and I were in the bookstore yesterday having a lot of fun. We might have been laughing a little too loud. I'm finally at a place where I don't give a damn. If you don't like it go home. lol
Its so sad isn't it? What this world is becoming. We were at the supermarket the other day and my two children (ages 4 and 1) were in the trolley singing together happily. I mean it was just lovely, we were having a great time and these two old biddies huffed and puffed and made sure they actually turned their trolley out of the same isle we were in.
So we followed them. And I started singing too.
They mumbled all sorts of things (we couldn't hear over the beautiful music we were making) and they then gave my children the "look".
I asked them if they would prefer it if the children were fighting and screaming, they raved on that they were entitled, I mean ENTITLED, to shop in peace.
I just laughed and walked off. I seriously could not be bothered wasting another ounce of energy on bitter, miserable people.
Go Tiff! Great post. Bring on the love for children in all their shades!
C x
So two women decided that they did not wish to listen to your children singing, and decided to avoid you. And you decided the right coarse of action was to follow them, and force them to be near you, when that was not what they wanted.
I'm sure you thought your children's music was lovely. But perhaps other people have different musical taste.
Yeah, you sound rude and ignorant. Great way to teach your children!
Totally. Yes. Right on. Agree. Agree. Agree.
Good post and horrid article! He sounds like a former friend of mine who posted similar comments on my wall one time after I posted an article about breastfeeding in public. She said the cruelest things about children, yet oddly enough, she has four babies: pitbulls, that is. Yes, she's a real gem. Wouldn't want her near my children at the park. Anyway, I digress. All of these jerks who have no tolerance have forgotten they were once children themselves and should be a little more patience!! Ugh!!!!
It never occurred to me that parenting using the look and/or physical force was being a bully, always saw it as my parents being right, even if I knew I wasn't in the wrong (1 of 7 kids). My mother used the wooden spoon or a wooden coathanger on me, whatever was closest to hand, sometimes breaking them. My Dad used his hand but mostly it was his sharp look of disapproval that stopped me in my tracks. I turned into a very loving person – love everyone – I'm no bully – yet at 45 I still feel unloved, unlovable, not good enough. My Dad, who's still alive, now 86, still gives me the look of disapproval. Unfortunately it's still as powerful. I have to say sweet things to myself to combat it. The other sad thing is that I'm always on the lookout for "the look" from others – bosses, friends, partner. I never feel safe or confidant that I'm doing the right thing … meeting their approval. Even simple things like helping a friend in their kitchen … I'm a bundle of nerves. Yep, parenting with force, even just the look, is damaging, corrodes who you are. It's wonderful tho coming across freeplaylife … teaching me to relearn my childhood. thank you
xxx
What I don't understand is why respecting children is considered being permissive. I think my children should be allowed to eat in restaurants just like others. I think they deserve to be listened to and respected. Just because they are shorter than adults does not make them less. BLECH!!!
I'm with Kathy… I'm not sure where all these awful children are that the article and it's comments refer to. Rarely have I ever seen an out of control kid… a tired kid, a frusterated kid, a grumpy kid, sure… but even before I had kids myself I could tell that's what it was 9 times out of 10. The few kids I've seen that I would describe as "out of control" we saw at a playgroup or another child friendly place, not out and about in public. I'm not sure where these people are going that all the crazy children are.
This is part of the problem, I think. With two income families being the norm, most kids are tucked away at school or daycare and few are regularly seen in public. Even in single income families, one spouse will do the shopping while the other stays home to watch the kids. It's really only on the weekends that kids are seen in public and by then a lot have been pent up in a building for so long they just need to let out some of that energy. And they are with their parents, who aren't the biggest role model in their lives because they don't see them often either. We've created a society that general hides children, and now adults have no idea how to handle them.
So, it's ok to let your little angel disrespect the entire world, as long as he or she is joyfully expressing him or herself? This is exactly what is wrong with our society, our culture and our world. Just do whatever you want, Sweetie, and to hell with what anyone else thinks, because YOU are so SPECIAL that rules and cultural expectations do not apply to YOU. You make me want to throw up. I don't advocate screaming at kids, hitting kids or otherwise abusing them, but as a parent, it is your responsibility to teach your child when and where is an appropriate time and place to express themselves and when it is time to be considerate of others. You purposely encourage your children's "wild and rowdy" behavior at innappropriate times and places? You are a f***ing jerk, and your little progeny will undoubtedly be just like you. Good going.
Is this how you encourage your kids to behave when they don't agree with someone? By calling them effing jerks? I believe she said she encourages it when someone openly disrespects them, not in general. And since my kids have been openly disrespected by adults just because they are shorter and younger I understand what she's saying.
Yes I understand she called the parents effing jerks. My question was, is this how she TEACHES HER KIDS to react when they don't agree with someone. Since kids learn by example, and she's not setting a good one, I was just wondering. Those of you making judgements really like to name call and are actually being disrespectful. lol
I actually agree with A good parent.
Brooke– I am unclear on your point. You are OK with the author encouraging her children to act up in response to someone disrespecting them, but are upset that A GOOD PARENT chooses to name call and therefore is showing their children a bad example?
If my children are openly disrespected by an adult, I, as the PARENT, address it directly with the other adult.
I guess my point is, if you're going to argue that kids need to be taught respect in a certain way, and you think the author is teaching her kids to be disrespectful why would you use those tactics to prove your point? You just proved that you can make your point without name calling or being disrespectful.
I love how people who claim to be good godfearing citizens blame the Bible for being lousy abusive parents.
There's no biblical support for corporal punishment. It's all a fabrication of victorian era logic and our neo-victorian society keeps at it.
A fair & pretty thorough review of biblical passages not supporting corporal punishment, but instruction and correction: http://gracethrufaith.com/selah/spare-the-rod-and…
I'd have posted at CNN Opinions, but they disgusted me enough that I didn't want an account there.
But on the other hand I have suffered pain from a brat kicking me in the back during 2 hours of flight and his mom just, shrugging her shoulders offering her clueless-face and handpalms up, apologetically saying: "I'm doing what I can" instead of educating her kid not to hurt other people. I told her "then that's not enough".
The little one thoroughly enjoyed my pain, it really hurt having him kick his odious little feet into my lower back and he just loved the game. Turned around several times to tell him this was painful and not a fun game and ended asking him if he'd like to feel what it felt like for me. He declined nearly started ccrying, looked at his mom and continued after a few minutes of relief.. His mom never thought of putting him in another seat or whatever. I wish him broken vertebra like mine (and being kicked into them for a few hours) and wouldn't mind inflicting them upon his mom (incl. the kicking). This is no passing on of hate, I sincerely love children. And I don't think he'd have learnt anything from a spanking. I really don't. He might have from doing the same to him as he did to others as words didn't help him understand that. But in fact, any solution she might have found would have been fine with me as long as he'd have stopped kicking me.
The thing is: I am really not here to educate other people's children. That's the real issue here. I AM NOT your remote educator whom one can delegate the most unattractive parts of education to!
So this is where people usually get the idea spanking would be a solution. Not from hate. This was one misbehaved piece of youngster who'll probably grow into a very insensitive, egotistical, disrespectful, uncompassionate adult who knows no boundaries (if you will: who knows not that the beginning of another person's space is the end of his own), thanks to his parents.
If ever this happens again I WILL kick him same as me to make him feel what it is like for another person. If empathy doesn't flow from source in his family, I need not suffer consequences from that, need I??
Regards from a very AP and loving mama
"This was one misbehaved piece of youngster who'll probably grow into a very insensitive, egotistical, disrespectful, uncompassionate adult who knows no boundaries"
Really? Do you honestly believe his toddler behavior will be his life destiny?
I can think of a dozen ways in which to engage in this situation or with him or his mom, in which to not only connect with them (and possibly help her out in what might have been a hard place for her – heck, for all we know she could've been on her way to or from a funeral and just not had the emotional capacity to parent) or solve the issue but ALSO to get your needs met at the same time. Without resorting to infantile threats of retaliation.
I can't even read those articles. And never ever ever read the comments. People who were treated like dirt and treat other people like dirt as adults. And they raise children to treat other people like dirt. No thank you. I don't stop to look at the car crash on the highway either. 8-|
This is incredible. I love the comment by picnicmuse. Spot on. I got the 'look' all the time and it only took one or two physical discipline incidences for me NEVER to want to do that again. The 'look' made me feel like a complete idiot. I spent the rest of my life trying to stay under the radar. Any and all radar. My husband has given me that look a few times and it takes me right back to feeling like a complete and utter moron who is not worthy of the world. Seriously. Thanks for this post! Awesome.
Jen
I came over from a link on Facebook from my friend Maegan… I'm so glad that I clicked over.
While I cannot even think about clicking over to the article, I'm all riled up reading yours – you make so many good points. Children need advocates and love, not hatred and detachment from parents let alone society.
And seriously? The comment that said not to bring kids to the library?? I'm appalled.
i agree with everyone who is saying they just don't see the "misbehaving" children. i see MANY more "misbehaving" adults, both childless (just being obnoxious) and in direct relation to children. A friend of mine wrote this article a few years ago that addresses the "children in public" topic quite well, i think. http://www.raisingmyboychick.com/2009/10/dancing-…
I agree that America society still believes kids should be seen (he's so cute!) and not heard (no crying, running, laughing loudly). People treat children terribly — not using thank you, smacking, "the look" — and suddenly kids should just shift into not doing that at some point near adulthood? And while I understand the impulse, since there are times I would have LOVED "the look" to work, I'm glad it didn't with my son because I traded it in for a kindly glance.
Thank you for writing this! I feel understood
It's not that we choose to let our kids run wild without any discouragement from being disrespectful of others. We definitely strive for their understanding — and I believe our kids gain that understanding at a natural, developmentally appropriate pace. We just believe that with enough respect and compassion and love within the home, the lesson will be easily learned out of the home.
Anyway — thank you again
I agree with the point you are making, however I disagree with your complete disregard for "the Look." The Look does not necessarily have to indicate the promise of violence or emotional abuse – I have used the Look myself, and i assure you it is only an unspoken measure to tell your children that their behavior is unacceptable and disciplinary measures will be taken if they don't stop. That doesn't men spanking – it could mean no dessert, or a time out or whatever the appropriate step is for the situation. Children should be allowed to be children, but that doesn't mean they should be allowed to do WHATEVER they want WHENEVER they want to do it. A tantrum in a grocery store may be a perfectly natural occurrence and expression of my 3yo frustration – doesn't mean I have to tolerate it. As parents our job is to nurture and protect our children, but also to teach them how to navigate in society – and that often includes subduing a natural exuberance under certain circumstances. I assure you that when I see children screaming and running around the tables at a restaurant, my scorn is not for the kids – it is for the parents who are too worried about stifling their precious snowflakes' independence or taking away their childhoods to get them to sit down. My children are expected to act politely and quietly in the situations that require it (ie: no butting in line, or no talking at the movies), and they are allowed to be boisterous and basically act like children when it isn't going to be a huge interruption. I let them run and laugh and giggle in the grocery store or wherever, because they aren't bothering anyone (except the child haters, and who cares about them), but you better believe I do not tolerate screaming or crying if I refuse to buy them a toy or something. That would definitely get the Look, and then we would have to leave the store if they couldn't calm themselves down, and most likely they would have to spend some time alone in their rooms calming down once we got home.
Maybe that falls into your category of compulsion or emotional abuse, I don't know. I do know that everywhere I go I am constantly complimented on the good behavior of my kids, so I must be doing something right. I think there is a broad line between discipline and abuse, and you can easily teach your kids the correct behaviors without stifling their independence or compromising their emotional health.
Acceptance and tolerance for everyone!
I think there is a fundamental disconnect between the two 'sides' of the debate. No one is advocating letting kids bother or hurt other people. That is nothing but irresponsible parenting. OK, it is occasionally unavoidable, but good parents don't inflict their children on other people.
Certainly if my children are screaming and causing havoc in a restaurant, I will remove them and myself. Silly me for going with young children in the first place unless it's a kids place.
But on the other hand, hitting them or even withdrawing my love from them in order to force them to do what I want is absolutely the wrong thing. There is a reason they are doing what they are doing, and it is not because they are 'bad' and need punished. If I address the underlying reason (probably inappropriate adult expectations of a five-year-old sitting quietly for 2 hours), I will be closer to my children, they will learn something about themselves, and we will do better the next time.
Finally, for those without kids or who have forgotten what it's like to be a kid or have kids, kids are loud. Kids are messy. They may even inconvenience you at times. But unless you want to move to a retirement community, other people's children are a part of normal human life. Learn to enjoy it, or at least tolerate it. Imagine a world without the laughter of children. How sad!
I agree jmcdtucson! It's WAY more important to figure out what is underlying the "bad behavior" – which, like you said, is most likely exaggerated expectations placed on a young child. It is ridiculous to expect parents to be limited to either Chuck-E-Cheese or otherwise staying home all of the time. Not everyone can get a sitter, and not everyone WANTS to for that matter. I am not advocating taking a 3 year old to a fancy restaurant and letting her cry the entire time she is there – but I am saying: Explain to the children what is expected of them in certain settings, go out to dinner to a family friendly place, and if your 3 year old has melt-down, take her for a little walk outside until she calms down, and then come back in. Whoever gets annoyed is just plain close-minded and THEY are the ones that need to stay home! There really is no need for "the look" or any sort of punishment. If we as parents put our kids in a situation they are not mature enough to handle, we need to suck it up, remove them from the situation for a bit – and then reintroduce them to it and hope for the best.
This is an interesting article. I do think there is a general feeling of hate in society toward anyone we can't control which is rooted back in our own feelings of inadequacy. And unfortunately, children are easy targets. I have to constantly educate people and remind them they expect and demand better behavior from my 3 yr old then they display as adults and it's ludicrous and I am not going to make him feel less than or do what they say. A few examples – he was sitting at a table, a friend walked up behind him and threw a shirt over his head from behind. My son threw it off on the floor (as ANY adult would suddenly being covered with an unknown object) and when they said , it's a present and he said I don't want it, still upset by being covered unexpectedly with a heavy black object they shouted fine, you're going to be rude I'll never buy you anything ever again. (I stepped in and said you are displaying extremely rude behavior to him, why dontyou act better and he will). Then we were having a party, he was sitting at the table drawing and a guy he's only met once pretended to grab his pencil, he said I'm going to poke you and pushed the pencil in the man's direction – the man being over 5 ft away. So then the man grabbed the pencil and refused to give it to him telling everyone he had to "teach him" the right way to act. Another friend told him he would give him a present (not an achievable present even something like he could fly) if he did everything I said for 3 months perfectly…I asked the man if he did everything his wife said perfectly in one day…he laughed and said no and I said then don't put an impossible expectation on my son who is three. I don't expect perfection and especially don't expect him to do what isay perfectly for 3 months. It just makes me furious though adults are aggressive, rude, demeaning, sarcastic, demanding, ungrateful, dirty, lazy and on and on yet god forbid a child act the way they do and they are punished and/or belittled….so so sad.
I am so glad to read what I haven't been able to articulate myself. Since I had a child over 2 years ago, my eyes opened to the disrespectful way that I see parents speak to their kids in public. "Get your ass over here!". "Move or I will whoop your ass" (seriously). "What the f- is wrong with you?".
I just wondered, what has happened to simply being nice? Why would parents speak with such anger and hatred to someone they love most?
Once, my son really pushed my buttons on a really bad day. I yelled "NO!!" very loudly and with venom. His body immediately melted and his chin hit his chest. His mood went from playful toddler to very hurt little boy. I realized right away that I had hurt him as swiftly and tangibly as if I had backhanded him. I vowed to never do that again.
Your post takes my thought train to the next stop… making me realize WHY I want to be "nice" in my dealings with my son…and helps me see the bigger picture. Thank you for that!
The hardest part about teaching my kids empathy is when we are out in public and parents are attacking their children over the most ridiculous things usually because they have stressed the children to the point of physical exhaustion in the first place. It's a horrible thing for their young hearts to watch.
I think because we are parents our focus in this conversation should be how children are treated. However, this is certainly NOT limited to children. I laugh. I always laugh. My laugh carries like a strong breeze and I cannot tell you how many times I have been told that I need to stop laughing because "people can hear me" From the time I was a small child up till probably a month ago.
Our culture encourages treating people like crap. The rude name calling played off as terms of endearment. The physical abuse and training played off as being helpful. It's all crap. I've taught my kids to recognize it a mile off and they can because it is not part of their daily life. It is foreign to them and they can see it clearly for the abuse that it is. Yes, my children ARE different and I'm rather proud of it.
Once I was on a flight with my six month old. She was crying due to ear pain and the assholes behind me were offering me candy to shut her up. “6 month olds don’t eat candy” came out of my mouth and they looked at me like I was a poor excuse of parenting cause I couldn’t shut my SIX month old up. Yet my ability to be a mom was under fire… How about their ability to be compassionate human beings??
That article left a shitty taste in my mouth and all the people who I know that were praising it have no kids. Oh man, I can’t wait til some of those people have their own so they can be served a nice roasted plate of crow with a side of STFU. Sometimes it isn’t that easy but you don’t know these things until you’re there while your kid is having an epic meltdown in the middle of the grocery store.
One thing I do know… when I know people are annoyed with mine, I let it happen cause the discomfort of adults is far more entertaining to me. If the child free want to complain how there are too many kids everywhere then they can stay home. And if they want to stare or even better, SAY something to me, I’ll tell them where to go and it won’t be with “the look” either.
Excellent. Thanks for a good analysis.
I’m sorry. I don’t agree with hitting kids or bullying them. I do believe kids have tons of friends in their life time but only one set of parents. I am a parent. Doesn’t mean my kids won’t talk to me or ask me scary stuff. They will and do. What it does mean is if we go anywhere my children’s behavior will not interrupt or ruin another couple, families or Joe blow from down the streets night. Plus we Wilkinson be invited back because people enjoy the people my kids are.
Thanks for the counterpoint to the article as it is alwasy good to hear both sides. However, likening parents disciplining their children as "violating and disrespecting a child’s emotional and physical space"? Come on!! I am all for encouraging the freedom of expression in children but if they are violating and disrespecting the emotional and physical space of all others around them…then maybe that type of expression needs to be more properly channelled. And who better to channel that energy and expression in a more productive way then the child's parent.
A "look" can express silent pleasure or displeasure in how a child is interacting with the world around them. Would you likewise not smile at your child when it was not opportune to give verbal validation of your approval?
While the article writer was a bit rough in his approach the point should not be lost that children are an expression of our love. If our children do not show love, respect, and consideration for others then that is a reflection on us as their parents.
I agree this guy has a very negative tone to his article, but he is talking about parents who don't discipline at all. Discipline does not mean abuse; there is a huge difference. I have met some of those kids and parents he is talking about; generally, the kids end up in trouble and the parents shake their heads and say, "I don't understand, I gave them everything!" I am a mom too; a single mom with a wonderful grown son, who went through all the normal stages kids go through and I wasn't perfect, but good parents do the best they can and hope & pray for the best for their children. Tiff, you sound like one of those parents who doesn't discipline at all, or teach her children to respect themselves or others. You said, "I’ve sat really close to you or behind you and encouraged wild, loud, rowdy, disruptive behavior in my kids while you fumed. " Allowing children to express themselves is vital to their emotional health, but when did encouraging them to disrespect others become good parenting? Children do need boundaries and consequences for their actions from an early age to teach them many things, including respect and proper social behavior. Letting them run wild in public teaches them that they can do anything they want, anywhere they want. Then the parents wonder why they grew up to be wild or in trouble all the time. Go figure.
I agree and will be thinking about this for a very long time. I am sick of people and their ignorance.
Great article! The one you address on yours is outrageous and only fuel hate against children.
Sarah,
One of the things that gets me is that ALL children already have a hard time coping in this world — even those without autism or sensory issues.
The world has become a complicated enough place. It is a great triumph of humanity that we can wrap our minds around the immense complications of modern society and still come out with a shred of sanity. This is a world so far removed from our nomadic ancestors. Even Little House is a far cry from today's society.
So why do we burden children with additional hardships over what they already have to cope with and learn? Why do we box in their most precious instinctual learning tools–imitation and imaginative play. Why do we expect that a child should sit still and be quiet and ask no questions?
I think this is sensory deprivation for those who have all their senses. It's no less hurtful — it's only different.
I'm pulling my special needs son out of school and homeschooling him through high school because he is SO engaged with his academic work — quite brilliant as a matter of fact — that he disturbs the rest of the class and the teachers with his incessant questions. I'm completely finished with attempting to adjust my son to a sick and demoralizing society. There's nothing wrong with him wanting to be 100% engaged in learning — we should wish for more children like him, maybe they're what will save the earth one day. If his participatory behavior means he can't sit still and be quiet, shame on the schools, not my son.