The Emotional Lives of Children.
Have you noticed that as parents, you are often praised if your child is being “good”. Attentive, respectful, listening, calm, and quiet? But if your child is bouncing off the walls, loud, demanding, upset, or “bad”, then you get the combination “huff and stink eye” from the people around you?! And sometimes the added shame of the pointed stare by another parent, as if to say, “I’ve done my parenting job…look at my Johnny/Susie, who is behaving him/her self like a perfect angel!” Yeah. That’s such bullshit! And I’ll tell you why. Society values obedience and compliance in children over their emotional quotient. Here are some signs of high and low EQ.
Children are pure. We are not. And I don’t mean in a heaven/hell saint/sinner kind of way, I just mean, practically speaking, they are purely themselves the younger they are. Us adults have learned to put on masks and ignore vital parts of ourselves. Think about your journey through this life. You swam around in a uterus (thanks mom!) not having a care in the world. You hiccuped, yawned, stretched, and kicked. You were fed through a hose right into your freaking stomach (thanks again, mom!), so were never hungry. You were never tired. You had it made in your little home inside a warm body (really, are there ever enough thanks for mom?!). Then you were born. No feeding tube straight into your tummy. Noises. Lights. Stimulus. You felt hungry, pain, sleepy! The older you got, the more feelings you felt. The more emotions you experienced. And slowly you were conditioned to attach “good” or “bad” to those emotions. Slowly you were conditioned to respond in one way over another. To stay out of trouble. To listen to authority. To not talk back. To sit quietly. To not make waves. That pure part of you that existed within stimulus/response was slowly stretched and folded until it fit into what someone else thought was “appropriate” behavior. This conditioning is what makes the 2′s and Teen’s so terrible for adults, I think. Exerting power and control over someone else’s emotions, with a resulting backlash.
It seems to me that the first half of our lives we are told to stop feeling and expressing emotions so much, (“Don’t look at me like that!”, “Don’t use that tone of voice with me!”, etc.) and the second half of our lives we do everything we can to get those authentic emotions and feelings back. Who we are is intimately connected to how we feel and the ways we use to acknowledge and express that. So let me reemphasize…what and how we feel is neither good OR bad. It is a way for us to find clues about what is going on around us and how it’s affecting us. The healthiest state for us to be in is one where we give ourselves permission to live authentically emotional lives.
The healthiest thing we can do for our kids is to accept and encourage their authentic emotions. If you’ve ever been around a 2 year old, you know how terrifying and difficult this can be! Kids in general are bundles of emotions that come out in so many ways…Temper tantrums! Withholding poop! Whining! Crying! Laughing! Laughing so hard they start crying! Phobias! Clinging! Rage! Insomnia! Talking Back! Saying “No!” over and over! Hugging you so hard they knock you down! Patting your cheeks so hard they turn red! When kids feel, they feel deeply. And when they express it, they express it ferociously.
My nephew is almost 2, and he’s developed this rage filled yell for things that don’t please him. We’re never quite sure what isn’t going to please him from day to day, but on this one particular day it was grass and a little toy bowling set. If the pins were down, he was fine. But if they were set up so people could bowl, he turned into The Human Torch except with Rage Power instead of Flame Power. Rage On!
He was showing ownership and responsibility. Ownership over his emotions and ownership over the toys. He was showing responsibility, too. “I don’t like you, cute tiny multicolored bowling pins! And here’s what I’m going to do about it!” Far from being out of control or punishable, these things should be embraced as the process of emotional discovery. However, this kind of reaction in our kids, or kids around us, can trigger an emotional response in ourselves. I can laugh in the video now, because I’ve weathered 3 kids worth of toddler rage and it doesn’t threaten me anymore….but back when I was in the thick of it, this had the potential of freaking me out. This kind of behavior is wild and out of control! Disrespectful to the toys and to me! Not civilized! All that is bullshit, by the way…unless you’ve been conditioned into thinking that way. As most of us were. I might have reacted in a bunch of different ways when I was a new parent, because it’s hard to support authentic emotion in someone else when your own emotions aren’t being validated (by yourself or others, which is 99% likely they haven’t been and are not now–think about it!). I probably would have, back in the day, done something like:
* taken his destructive sand rake weapon away from him and said, “No! You be NICE!”
* taken his destructive sand rake weapon away from him and said, “No! We are gentle with our toys!”
* stopped him from knocking the pins down and said, “No! Everyone can play!”
* stopped him from raging by putting my finger on his mouth and saying, “No! No yelling! We say nice words!”
* put him in a time out the more he kept disobeying me by continuing to yell, rage, and knock the pins over.
In these ways, I’d teach him to be compliant. Nice. Gentle. Quiet. I’d teach him he’d get in trouble for being not ‘nice’, loud, taking charge of his emotions, expressing his rage. He would learn that some feelings are “Bad” and others are “Good”. He would learn that some emotions are OK to express, and for all the other ones he’d learn to bury them somewhere inside. In short, I’d teach him what I was taught, because his emotions are overwhelming to me; and if other people are around, potentially embarrassing. This leads to a very obedient child with a very low emotional quotient.
This is what we’re taught to teach and instill in our children, instead of giving them space to feel and own every emotion they have. Letting my nephew rage at the bowling pins is not going to create an unfeeling monster who destroys property and goes to Juvey in 13 years. In fact, it’s just the opposite. The more he can feel and express true emotion, the more empathetic and tuned in he becomes to the things around him.
Support the emotional life of your child. When s/he is screaming, testing boundaries, asserting ownership, taking control, and pushing your buttons, step back and value their expressive nature. Don’t let it trigger your own negative emotional response! Devalue what society has taught us…that only by teaching a kid to be “good” are they ever going to be happy. Here are a bunch of books to help out if you need some inspiration and support!
20 Comments
I guess different families have different tolerance levels. I never would have thought of that as rage. He looked quite happy throughout, and it looked like he was playing super-pin-destructor.
My son had some real rages, mad at everything, and showing it. He's finally getting pretty good at managing his anger, at 9.
Sue, you're so right! I like the way you put that–differenttolerance levels. Before, my tolerance level was right about at”major stick up my ass”. LOL.
My son likes to say "diamond up your butt." LOL
LOLSent from my iPhone
After spending most of my kids life trying to teach them to be "good" I'm now trying to get them to show their emotions. Of course they are scared to because we taught them certain feelings were bad. It's getting a lot better though.
It was an eye opener when my daughter was having massive mood swings and then we found out it was because of anemia. All of a sudden I was supportive when she was moody and it was ok. Well if I'm supportive because illness is making her act "that" way then why I can't I be supportive when it's real anger or sadness? I should be, no matter the reason.
This was a really great example. I'm also in the middle of the same switch with my kids.Sent from my iPhone
Wow. I needed this post bad! Thank you! We just went swimming with our 2 years old and she was NOT willing to try it one bit. At one moment, she just exploded – I mean, I' m pretty sure the people on the other side of the lake heard her. God….scary little thing
I was like…calm down honey, it's just water. Calm down honey people ARE watching! Calm down honey, YOU are making me upset…..But I knew I had "crossed a line", I knew I was not listenning to her, because of this reaction she had. Your post just agree with it! Thanks again!
I fully agree with you, but you put great examples of what you would have done back then without any examples of what you would suggest doing instead, something I (as the parent of a toddler) would find crazy helpful.
I was afraid I was making it too long as it was…perhaps a part 2 is a good idea!Sent from my iPhone
Do it! I'm totally on board with you on there not being such a thing as "good" or "bad" emotions but can't always figure out how to not send that message while also explaining that there are in fact ok and not ok ways to express those emotions. Your help is appreciated.
Kids will find a way to let you know when you've crossed the line! I'm glad she felt secure enough to really let you have it! Lol.Sent from my iPhone
What a timely post after the weekend I just had!
"Tolerance level right about at stick-up-my-ass" Yeah. That's my family. A reunion this last weekend and a reunion this coming weekend with a 7-year-old daughter whose sadness cannot be contained when she has to leave her cousins. It is a sight to see – and hear. I walk with her, I hold her, I hold her hand, I help her get centered as she's calming down, I listen … It's getting easier for her slowly.
And this is seen as a sign of my 'lax' parenting. Even though my second daughter is as easy-going as they come and doesn't have huge emotions, happy or sad or angry. Still, my parenting is to blame for my first. Nature alone, apparently is responsible for my second child. *sigh*
They should be grateful I'm parenting my eldest as I am. I COULD be shoving her emotions back down her throat, hauling her to the truck whispering venomously about 'How do you think this makes me look?' and "Can't you CONTROL yourself?', pushing all that makes her HER down, down, down so that I look like a better parent to in-laws, only to have those emotions explode in an explosion that would rival Vesuvius when she gets older.
Yeah, I'll take the way I'm parenting now, as emotionally exhausting as it is for me, over the way I 'should' be parenting and the far greater emotional exhaustion that will bring to both me *and* her later on.
how do i deal with explosive anger in a 2.5 year old who directs it as violence toward her younger sister? i've tried all the "conventional" methods, and also experimented with some and the message doesnt seem to be coming across. she seems to use it trying to get me to pay attention to her, but im not sure if i should be giving her more attention when she does that. doesnt that teach action consequence? i'm really confused and would love some input on this. right now i'm separating the girls and then separating myself from them for 1 minute so i dont do anything stupid while the mama bear hormones go crazy and then try to talk to her about gentle. she is very speach delayed though, so i cant get an acnowledgement that she understands. i have a feeling im coming at this all wrong.
oh man, sorry about all the typos, whooo! rough morning!
ha! I'll forgive your typos if you forgive mine!
explosive anger and violence towards a sibling is intense, and canreally trigger emotional responses. with a speech delay and her age,words aren't going to really help the situation. However, more loveand attention is always a step in the right direction. Is there a wayyou can engage with her more when she isn't angry or violent, andlearn some signals for when she's about to blow and redirect or divertit with some one on one?
i think thats the problem, i have kind of checked-out usually when it happens. she must feed on that energy and feel the need to pull me back in.
i'm going to work more on getting down on her level throughout the day tomorrow and see if that helps at all.
this parenting things no joke man. i think the biggest thing i need to step away from is feeling that she wants to hurt her younger sister. i know that she is very kind 98% of the time to her and loves her very much, she is just using this action as a (very effective i might add) way to snap me out of it. i seem to respond to my younger daughters cry more than my older ones. i guess i have to look at why ive been feeling that her cries require less assistance. wow, therapy at the keyboard. holy shit.
it just hit me. she is making her sister cry so i will hear her cry. crap.
wow. you are GOOD at this! Go you!Parenting should be an event at the X games, I swear. It's intense!Remember, while you are parenting an intense child (not sure what heryounger sister is like!), you need to make sure to treat yourself justas carefully and respectfully. Be good to yourself too, Mama, andreenergize yourself so you have lots to give your girls.
My youngest will be 2 in a few days. Thank you for the great reminder of letting her be her own 2 yo authentic self. This too shall pass – I intend to enjoy it while it lasts!
I know…I do that all the time. Or cry until I start laughing. My authentic emotions are all over the place!Sent from my iPhone