Pardon While I Clog Up Your Pinterest With Octopi…

Posted by Tiff in Momsanity | 9 comments

When I was 8 or 9, I read a story about a Native American boy who found out his spirit animal was an eagle because the bird came to him in a dream and they soared around together really majestically. For a while after, I would lay in my bed and will myself to dream about a wild horse that would visit me in my dream and then we could gallop around together really majestically. But…it never happened. And with all the bitterness of a crushed dream, I forgot all about totem animals.

Until!

I was chatting with Tara last year, who not only has a totem animal but has a son with one and a husband with one as well. And my long lost dream of connecting with an animal guide came back to me. I complained that the horse wouldn’t come to me in a dream, so she instructed me that you can’t choose your totem animal…it chooses you. Also, that you have to be really good at following your intuition to be able to recognize when your animal totem showed itself to you. This was at a time when I was doing more “putting out fires” in my life and less “listening to myself”, so I knew I was fucked. My totem animal was going to elude me again!!!!

Eventually, all the “putting out fires” resulted in me feeling “sick and tired unto dying” and I just kind of let a lot of stuff go that was out of my control. I had been so wrapped up in the move, the separation and getting divorced, the child sharing, basic living, etc., and had forgotten how to just BE. Be happy. Be content. Be enough. Be me. I was afraid. Scared I was hurting the kids because of the divorce. Scared to be alone. Scared I couldn’t do it on my own. Scared I wasn’t enough. Ugh. It was dark days indeed.

And then one night, I had a dream. Usually my dreams involved me dying of suffocating in some way. Some nights I was ejected into space. Other nights I was sucked underwater. One night I even dreamed I was being tickled so hard I couldn’t get a breath and was dying. Nice, right?

But this night I found myself dreaming I was in a roller rink. I had on old school skates, like the kind I wore to 6th grade roller skating parties! I was skating around and around in my rainbow socks and skates, while the disco ball turned and threw prisms of light everywhere. I was having so much fun!

And then a guy got on the microphone and announced it was couples skate, and anyone who was single had to get off the floor. My heart dropped as I searched for an exit…I didn’t want to stop skating just because I didn’t have anyone to skate with. As I exited the rink, I felt a tap on my shoulder and a voice ask me if I’d like to be his partner. I turned around and saw….a big octopus. Huge. Taller than me. Somehow, this was OK in the dream and I didn’t object to his octopussiness.

Instead I objected to being partnered with anyone. “Oh no, you don’t want to skate with me. I’m clumsy. I fall a lot. I can’t do anything cool, I really don’t know any tricks or anything. I don’t think I’m good couple skate material. You should go find someone better than I am…”

The octopus laughed and cut me off. “You don’t understand! None of that matters! Look at me…I have four tentacles on the ground (and here he wiggled four tentacles with skates on the end) to help me stabilize us! And then I have four tentacles (and here he waved the other four tentacles) to put around you so you never have to worry about falling! We’re perfect together! Just trust me.”

So I did. And we skated together. He ended up being the perfect partner. He flipped me up high, dropped me down low, and flung me around until I was dizzy; but I always felt a tentacle or two around me and never worried about falling or hurting myself. I just laughed and played and skated until I couldn’t skate anymore. We ended up winning a bunch of trophies for best couples skate. It was pretty epic.

When I woke up, I kept the feeling of security and happiness with me. My dreams of dying via suffocation stopped. Whenever I’d start getting myself all worked up over something, all I had to do was think back to how I felt roller skating with a disco octopus and that stable whimsical feeling would come back to me. Skating through life is more than it’s cracked up to be!

When I visted Tara to document her head shaving, I told her that I thought my animal totem had visited me. “But Tara, I thought it would be a little bit more of a sacred, majestic experience. Soaring with an eagle or something like that! Instead it was a disco skate octopus party!” She laughed at me and said, “He’s perfect for you.” And yes, he is.

So, I love looking at octopi. I have an octopus necklace that Tara gave to me, and an octopus purse that Sara sent me and I really can’t get enough of them. They will always be connected to that feeling I had while rollerdiscoing with one. And if that isn’t all kinds of awesome, then I don’t know what is!

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