Sacrificing isn’t Martyrdom
Oftentimes the biggest obstacle to getting what we want in life is…….our kids. And I say that NOT in a “isn’t it terrible and aren’t they assholes!” kind of way, but in that special parenthood way of knowing that we wanted these precious kids in our lives and will do anything for them to keep them safe, happy, and thriving. Sacrifice is such a big part of parenting love…but martyrdom is not.
Sacrifice says “I’m willing to do this for you as a gift of love, and let you be who you are.”
Martyrdom says “Look at all I’ve done for you! I expect certain behaviors/actions/words/respect in return!”
Big difference!
If you’ve ever thought, “if you only knew how much I do for you around here”, then you’ve done too much. The more of your personal needs you give up, the more of a martyr you become. The more you respect your wants and needs, the more emotional stockpile you have to give in sacrifice. (Incidentally, the older the kids get, the more wise they are about personal boundaries–my preeteen and teenager are totally good at understanding and respecting the fact that I need some things (wine and quiet time) just like they do (sweet tea and ipods)).
For everyone who is stressing out and thinking, “what if that makes me selfish?!” I have a rule of thumb I think applies. The people who worry about being selfish will never truly be pathologically neglectfully selfish. It’s the people who never worry about it that you have to watch out for.
Kids can really push us to our limits of tolerance. On twitter the other day I read a tweet from Amanda Palmer of Dresden Doll fame (she is so freaking fantastic on twitter!):
and I laughed and laughed and thought…that’s just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to mommyhood! Concerts, hot food, clean clothes, movies in an actual theatre, movies at home, personal space, sleeping in, and 485034985 other things immediately disappear when the cord is cut and the tiny baby is placed in your arms. It’s for this reason that I am a strong advocate for making sure motherhood is a win/win. If you can get little bits of what you need on a daily basis, then you’ll have a big reserve of awesome to help you through the long, poopy, vomitous nights.
A friend on mine pm’d me after monday’s challenge and is letting me post it here as long as I don’t give out where she lives or her security code. Which I NEVER would over the internet…but come over with a 12 pack and watch “Lost” with me and I might let it slip. Anyway, our discussion went like this:
So far she’s reported that when she engages Austin in rambunctious play (tickling, etc.) at the times that she has more energy, then he doesn’t sneak attack her at night when she’s worn out.
When dealing with kids it’s important to respect that they are acting on their needs, and to also respect that you need to act on your own needs. If you can do that while maintaining a sense of humor then things go much smoothly. If your sense of humor left you to take up with someone else who was getting a full night’s sleep, then you really need to protect and preserve more of what makes you happy. Get a babysitter. Order in. Do nothing at nap time but polish your nails or nap yourself. Take care of you with the same patience and love that you take care of everyone else.
You. Are. Worth. It.
and your kids will thank you.
5 Comments
Drinking wine during pretend play!!!! What a brilliant idea! I could Minecraft and rough-house with Zane all day long, but this sit around and pretend the little play characters are talking about the EXACT.SAME.THING they’ve talked about for daaaayyyysssss is killing me. And I’m TOTALLY distancing myself from said pretend-play-addicted child because of it.
Where exactly is the line between drinking too much and drinking just enough to make Candy Land people chat about stupid shit instead of walk the frigging candy land sidewalk???
No, I clearly do not need your advice and I am clearly not overdone.
I’ve been a big advocate of taking care of myself in order to best be able to take care of them. But it is a learning process – I don’t think (most) mothers are born understanding this. Seems to me it’s also a very good lesson to your children in how to be aware of their own needs and being kind to themselves. Setting examples and all.
“If you can get little bits of what you need on a daily basis, then you’ll have a big reserve of awesome to help you through the long, poopy, vomitous nights.”
I had to laugh cause I read this and then a few short hours later awoke to the sound of vomit hitting me. Two hours of hooping before bed is the only thing that got me through!
Oh yes! You explain this sooo right.
We were talking at home ed group today about this and getting ‘me time’. Also about how we are often programmed to feel selfish and in my case guilty for taking an afternoon nap. Hello there McFly *knocking on my head* realisation that I am up most nights with my 4 year old AND not wonder woman but a 40 year old with three sons. I now take me time, if I don’t sleep, i go to bed, get cosy, listen to music, meditate, read, gather my thoughts and feel human again.
This makes for a happier and healthier me.
I got a link to this post from a fellow homeschooler. I enjoyed reading it and think this particular collection of words has vaulted itself into the “wisdom” category: “If you’ve ever thought, “if you only knew how much I do for you around here”, then you’ve done too much.”
Nicely written-I’ll be thinking on it. For shizzle.