Freeplaylife Challenge::Week 16!
I have a confession to make. A few, actually.
I’ve dropped the ball on a lot of different things.
And not so coincidentally, that’s this week’s challenge. I want you to drop some of your own balls!
Let me explain:
I haven’t ironed anything in 15 years. I haven’t made my bed since I left home in 1990. I discovered that if you put pinesol in a sink of water in every bathroom in the house, the clean smell permeates throughout and it makes everything appear cleaner. This doesn’t hold up under close inspection, but it does a good job covering up general messiness in an unvacuumed home. Anyone walks in and may notice the clutter but subconsciously the mind is going, “It’s only messy here because somewhere else in this house, she’s been cleaning. Can’t you smell that fresh crisp clean smell of cleanliness?!”
I used to feel badly about all this. Sitting in church with disheveled kids (oh, did I mention I also refused to style kids hair if they indicated they’d rather go “where the wild things are” with it?) in rumpled clothes, and looking around feeling inferior to everyone else who managed to prioritize looking their best for the Good Lord. I immediately apologized for my cluttered mess to anyone walking into my house, feeling like a failure as a stay at home mom because here I was at home all day long (hahahahahaha, right?!) and obviously slacking off by not keeping up with the laundry pile/dust bunny pile(s)/dirty dishes pile/sticky floor/clogged toilet/etc. I was angsty about the fact that because I hadn’t made my kids make their beds every morning I pretty much ensured they would become unproductive citizens and ill prepared to face the big wide world with their puny home econ skills.
I pretty much lived my life feeling judged none too positively by my church friends and the members of the mamamafia who would rather stab their eyeballs out with uncooked spaghetti noodles than let their kid wear the same clothes 5 days in a row. I, of course, had no problem with it. I’d rather spend my time making muffins in the kitchen with my kid (and leaving the dishes in the sink while we picnic’ed outside eating them) then spend 30 minutes arguing over clothes. They called me lazy, I called it being efficient. And kind. But I was in the minority.
My worst fears were realized a couple months ago when a homeschool meme went around Facebook and blogs. I had nothing to do with the making or distribution of the meme, and yet it featured this picture of my kids:
with the headline, “what our neighbors think we do”.
I felt all panicky. Like the time, after I facebooked at 11 am that I loved pouring syrup all over my eggs for breakfast, and one of the mamamafia said “omg, now everyone knows that you eat breakfast really late!” as if sleeping in was a crime.
I realized something a few years ago, though.
I don’t want to have it all. I don’t want to be a perfect friend and have perfect kids in a perfect house with clean and sanitized everything. I don’t want to juggle so many things that I’m too focused on keeping them all up in the air instead of noticing how awesome everything is.
So I let some balls drop. Specifically, the ironing ball. The bed making ball. The ‘giving my kids perfectly done hair’ ball. The ‘cleaning the dishes in the sink faithfully’ ball. I also prefer playing video games with my kids over vacuuming. If I have to choose between a clean bathroom or going outside and getting dirty with my kids, then I choose the kids every time. If we then become the poster children for living a lax, lazy life in a homeschool meme…well…that is a little bothersome, but what can I do? Since when did quality napping become so reviled anyway? Don’t we make our kids do it for the first 5 years of their lives anyway? Why do we ever stop that?! I remember specifically the day I took that picture, and how just a moment before I was nestled in between them after having read a book out loud until they were both fast asleep.
This week, what balls will you drop? Do you remember swearing, as a kid, that when you grew up you wouldn’t make yourself do ….something….? What was that something? Did you hold true to your kid self and not do it? I don’t eat peas. I swore when I grew up I wouldn’t eat another pea, and I haven’t. I want you to choose 5 things to stop doing for the next 7 days, and instead of doing those things spend those moments doing something that is a better use of your time and energy. Spend it connecting with your kids. Connecting with yourself. Connecting with a significant other. You have my permission to do so, thus alleviating any panic or guilt associated with not doing everything you think you should be doing.
Take some time to tune IN this week. Stop juggling so many balls. Drop em like they’re hot. Focus on spending more of the time you used to spend juggling doing the things you wish you had more time and energy for….reading books (yourself or to your kids!), laughing at jokes (yours or your kids), playing outside (when was the last time you hula hooped or jump roped or even hopscotched?), or just being silent, still and present with yourself and with your kids. Nothing flashy. Just sitting on the couch with them giving a backscratch.
Let me know what you are dropping, and what you end up doing instead!
Share Tweet8 Turns Around The Sun.
It’s hard to type this, and even harder to believe it’s true, but because Sassy has been letting me know since 3 days after her last birthday that for this birthday she’d turn 8 I have to just accept it.
My baby is 8 now!
The only thing keeping me from feeling exactly like I did in this picture 8 years ago is that I can actually breathe, bend, and eat. For only having a 6 pound baby in there, I sure had one hell of a belly!
I traded in the belly for a newborn, and it’s been nonstop ever since. She earned her nickname “Sassy” at an early age. However, she was conceived in a spirit of rebellion, so I roll with her fierce independence and focused self determination because without either of those things she wouldn’t be here. I had a pregnancy before hers that ended with me almost dying in the delivery room at the hospital, and I guess shit like that freaks the fuck out of doctors. So, all of them said, “be happy with the two you already have, and stop here. No more babies for you. It would be crazy.” I agreed with them for a while, but then my crazy grew and grew to an unprecedented level (I like to think that was Sassy, being bossy in the metaphysical sphere) and I emphatically shook my fist at logic and reason long enough to get pregnant one last time. It was a high risk pregnancy and took a lot of willpower to ride out the 9 months expecting to possibly die at any moment. In fact, the doctors who had indulged me once I forced their hand by becoming pregnant drew a line in the sand and said, “We are inducing this one early. Once you get to 36 weeks her lungs should be read and we’re getting her out!” At that point, Sassy took over her own destiny by not developing her lungs by 36 weeks. Every week they checked, and every week her lungs weren’t ready. She took over forcing the doctor’s hand and stayed in her womb-home until full term, 4 more weeks. I like to think that all my forceful psychological ass kicking nurtured her as she grew and developed in my womb and created the bundle of forceful ass kicking girl she became.
And now that newborn is an 8 year old.
I brainstormed ways to stop it from happening. I told her I could put bricks on her head so she’d stop growing. “No, mama, that won’t work. Even if I don’t grow, I’ll still get older you know!” I told her we could stop celebrating her birthday and pretend it wasn’t happening. “No mama, that won’t work. Even if we forget when I was born, I’ll still get older you know!” I told her she could make sure to run backwards as many steps as she took forward, and maybe that would stop time. “No mama, that won’t work!” For that one she didn’t even waste time explaining why it wouldn’t work, she just looked at me with the dawning realization that her mama was a simple woman and there was a lot she didn’t know.
Finally she just laid it out cold for me. “Mama, I was born to get older. All you can do is enjoy me while you can right now, because I’ll be different later!”
So, that’s what I’ve been doing ever since.
I suppose it would be harder to watch her grow up if I weren’t so endlessly fascinated about who she’s becoming. On the good days, I laugh and talk and hug and play with her. On the tough days I remind myself that soon she’ll launch herself into the world all forcefully and independent like and I’ll have a lot of peace of mind knowing that she is the Evander Holyfield of taking care of her own boundaries. And then the thought of her leaving…my baby!…gets me all verklempt and I remember her words. “Enjoy me while you can right now!” So even on the hard days when our personalities clash and I want to challenge her to a death match in a cage, I rally to channel that passion into radical acceptance of who she is and what she needs. I still laugh and talk and hug and play with her…only with a bit more wine on board.
It’s hard to believe that 8 years ago, this girl sitting on my lap was a tiny newborn swaddled in a blanket. She was tiny but powerfully herself, even then. I remember thinking in the weeks following her birth, “You are one pound of baby, 2 pounds of hair, and 3 pounds of attitude!”
So now we’re off to celebrate by going to a warehouse with floor to ceiling trampolines, then go cart racing, then playing games, and then a cake that she specified should be in the theme of “HALO: Reach in Minecraft”.
Here’s to birthdays, kids, love, fun, play, family, and radical acceptance!
read more52 Weeks To A Freeplaylife: Week 15!
Ah food, glorious food! So wonderful. So flavorful. So fun. So nourishing. So angsty! So anxiety producing! So torturous! So full of loathing! Facebook is one of the only other things that is so reviled and loved all at the same time! As people, we’re all over the board with food. We can eat just enough to feed our bodies and spirits. We can eat to feel better, and sometimes can eat something that makes us feel worse, physically and psychologically. We can eat too much, fearing scarcity; or we can not eat enough, forcing a rigid limit. We can diet and we can feast. We can use food to control and use food to punish. Food can bring people together and force them apart. Food can be a part of a beautiful ritual of daily blessings, or can be part of a life changing disorder.
This month is the month of food fun, so it’s time to embrace the lighter side of eating. Throw away guilt, control, prior conditioning from family, worry, stress, and general uptightness about eating, and what are you left with?! Lots of awesome! Imagine this…that is exactly the state that kids are in every day. As babies, we eat when we’re hungry. We stop when we’re full. We know what we like, we know what we don’t like. We eat to fill a need and also to feel a bond. We let food comfort us without worrying it’s unhealthy or excessive. We’re part of a balance between what we take in and the energy we burn in activity. I’ve watched the process in my kids, and feel no need to intervene with it now. I’ve found that the more my kids and I can explore and play with food from our authentic selves, the healthier we all eat.
That’s the challenge this week…listening to our authentic selves. Listening to our kids who are speaking authentically. This is pretty free range eating. When you’re hungry, eat. When you’re full, stop. I found that the easiest way to accomplish this is using a tried and true unschooling technique…the monkey platter. I first read about it here on Sandra Dodd’s webpage…it’s an excellent description full of pictures. You basically get lots of food choices out where they can be reached by everyone, and then let it all go down in Vegas buffet style fashion. Some of my friends call this anarchy and foolishness. I call it “Proof of Occams Razor”: …”the law of parsimony, economy or succinctness. It is a principle urging one to select among competing hypotheses that which makes the fewest assumptions and thereby offers the simplest explanation of the effect.”
Hungry? Eat. Full? Don’t. Stop when your body says to stop. Eat what your body says to eat. Simple. Fewer assumptions. Succinct. No charts, stickers, enticements, begging, or punishments. No guilt, shame, conflict, or fear around food.
Go ahead, try it. Shelve any doubts and just go for it for one week. Make the food easily accessible for your kids and for you. If you have doubts or fears about doing this with kids, leave a comment or question in the reply section and a wily and seasoned group of my unschooling friends (who’ve been doing this a long time!) will get back to you on how awesome it works in their families.
Here’s an example of my monkey platters. Less platters and more like “monkey mason jars.” I have an obsession with all things Mason Jar. If I could I would marry Mason and have little jar babies. Instead I have to settle for using him in every aspect of my life. Eating is not an exception. My daughter accuses me of only buying food that looks cute in Mason jars, and I can’t deny it. But look how adorable the monkey mason jar’s look!
If we want to bake, we still bake (muffins, mostly), but it works best during the day to let all of us graze into whichever mason jar(s) hold the most interest. Then about 2 hours before dinner I put it all away and we have a lovely meal together. In the morning and afternoon, though, we love dipping fruit into yogurt and fresh raw veggies into ranch. Sassy and I like eating as soon as we get up, the other two dawdle around a little before their appetite kicks in. I like dipping strips of roasted chicken into goat cheese and topping it with green peppers. I’ve seen Sassy put carrots in the yogurt and love it…not really anything I would have thought of but it works for her! There’s usually a junk food jar mixed in, either full of brownies or cookies or something delightfully yummy. 100% of the time, the jars with carrots and peppers empty quicker than the junk food ones. I’ll blog my theories on why this happens later, but in a nutshell giving kids the freedom to choose what and how much of it to eat really encourages them to take their own nutrition pretty responsibly.
Plus…mason jars. Have I said how much I love them? You can use other things and get totally creative. Rainbow snack food trays is also pretty fun! For this week, try out the monkey platter idea and see how easy, fun, and non conflicting nutrition can be!
Share TweetThe Power of Play
So really, who cares if you play with food or not. Who gives a flying flip about making a mustache out of jelly? What’s the difference if you use pudding and jello only to eat and not to finger paint with? What’s the big deal with food and play?
What’s the big deal with play and anything? Why freePLAYlife?
Here’s the dealio with these carefully constructed and pretty genius (if I do say so myself) challenges of mine. Do you know how I came up with all of them?
I had the slowest, most intellectual, self aware, stupendous mental/spiritual/emotional breakdown any person has ever had. I’m not even using hyperbole or exaggerating much. I think it was on a slow burn after my daughter died and I almost died right along with her…that was almost 10 years ago. But it really hit critical mass 4 years ago. I could feel it in my bones and didn’t know what to do other than keep a diary.
Oh yes, even though there are plenty of pills I could have popped to get me out of this deep unhappiness, I didn’t take them. It wasn’t depression that I was feeling, it was something else. Like, I remember one time in 9th grade I was getting ready for school pictures so I blew out my normally curly hair and straightened it with a flat iron. It was silky smooth and gorgeous by the time I got done with it. And all day I knew I looked like the shit. Before the pictures I carefully applied lip gloss and worried more about proper eyeshadow application than I did my hair…since I knew it was so totally awesome. I took the picture. I walked home in the New Jersey humidity. I took one look in the mirror and felt sheer panic and dismay. My hair was the opposite of sleek and shiny. It was puffy. It looked like a frizzy A-frame house on top of my head. Apparently the humidity while walking to school had transformed me into a girl with a pyramid of what appeared to be moss and pubes on my head instead of actual human hair. All of a sudden the ideal of what I thought was happening collided with what was actually happening, and I couldn’t ignore it anymore. I had to deal with the reality. Either learn to take care of my hair in Jersey weather, or have pube head.
What I was feeling 4 years ago was less depression and more an awakening to my own reality. And because I’d ignored myself for so long, my reality wasn’t pleasant. It was worse than a mop of frizz for hair. It was traumatically terrible in so many ways. It was me realizing how unhappy I was. It was me realizing I had no idea who I was. It was me realizing that I didn’t want to follow other people’s paths anymore. It was me realizing that I needed to either blaze my own trail or slowly suffocate to death. So I slowly s l o w l y started rebuilding myself from the ground up.
It was the rebirth, renovation, and restoration that eventually spawned this 52 Weeks challenge. I had no idea how to go about creating a nourishing, vibrant, authentic, joyful life. It was trial and error, just me and my trusty diary. I made notations in my diary like a scientist keeps track of his latest experiment. And eventually I saw a theme. I might not have understood what the fuck was happening, but there was a way to figure it all out…and that way hinged on my ability to have fun and play.
My ability to connect to life in a joyful, fulfilling way was helped or hurt by a flow from a thousand different areas. And this flow, just like chi or energy along the chakras, could be blocked. I may not have known why the block was there, or what caused it, but I knew there was a blockage because I stopped being able to have fun with it: food, clothes, bedtime rituals, friends, family, hobbies, everything under the sun including myself. Using this “fun meter” as a guideline, I began to at least have a good diagnostic for where I was blocked and what the issues were with. At that time, I had issues with everything. I found that as I brought more fun to those areas, I worked through a whole bunch of shit that probably would have taken years of expensive therapy that I couldn’t affort. Play melted everything away. It’s like how many muscles I’ve built up while hula hooping…I’m not focused on building them like if I were working at it like a weight lifter. I’m just doing something fun that happens to have badass, ass kicking side effects.
It’s really revolutionized my life. It’s so simple, I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t just lived through it. Two words have changed everything for me. And I’m sharing it here so they can do the same for you. Are you ready for this?
Play More
There are as many ways to play with something as there are stars in the heavens, so it will be an individual process for everyone.
I’m not expecting everyone to have such a massive disconnect as I did, where so much has to be done to fix the breakdown. But everyone has blocks to enjoying life. Maybe it’s with food. Clothes. Expectations. Judgements. Work. Family. Anxiety. Stress. Fear. Who knows. Well, you’ll know. If I bring something up and it’s hard for you to play around with it, then that’s a block. Sit with it. Acknowledge it. Then toss it a ball and offer to play catch with it.
This year is all about play, bitches! We’re playing with everything, even things you don’t wanna. And a lot of things that you do wanna.
So this week and food. Some of you have a good flow with it. It’s food, it’s fun, it’s an adventure! But some of you won’t. It brings up issues of scarcity, or vulnerability, or control, or compulsion, or neglect, or whatever. The flow isn’t there. Play isn’t there. Help it along by drinking lots of wine and then throwing spaghetti at the wall. Do something crazy. Fun. Impulsive. Free. Do it with food this week. Enjoy yourself!
Share TweetPlay With Your Food!
I don’t know who first coined the phrase, “stop playing with your food”, but they need to be strapped onto a chair at a table full of pudding, jello, and spaghetti, given no utensils, and made to sit there until they enjoyed playing around with it using their hands. I think that after 15 minutes even they would agree that playing with food is not only fun, but it makes everything taste much better.
It’s my own personal theory that the longer kids are able to play with food, the healthier their eating habits are later in life. Play builds relationships where there are none, and strengthens good relationships to make them better…and how we interact with food is absolutely a relationship.
What is the relationship with food in your home? With you? Is it full of rules and if/then statements? (IF you eat all this, THEN you can have that…) Is it full of control and stress? Conflict at mealtimes over who is eating what and when? When I ran with the mamamafia, mine was all that. Dinnertime was kind of a pain since I went through so much time and effort to make a homemade healthy meal (that I could brag about to the other mamamafia members) only to have the kids complain about it when I put it on the table. And then dealing with manners….and then dealing with whining and refusal to eat…oy vey. I wasn’t drinking back then, but if I were I’d be wine drunk before I was done preparing the meal simply in anticipation of the fights.
And then, unschooling happened. In our effort to find a way to self educate I stumbled upon the radical idea that not only should I trust my kids to be competent learners, I should also trust them to be competent self directors in all areas of their lives.
So I let go of my food control and sat back to see what happened. And that’s a post for tomorrow, but needless to say I was shocked and awed by what I discovered. And I’ve kept up my “open grazing” policy in the kitchen and for food, so you know it was something good.
A part of the something good was how much more fun food started becoming. And the more fun it became, the more willing they were to eat it. And when I say fun, I mean in a way totally outside of eating it. Here are some ways we play with our food:
food fights! (eggs, flour, whipped cream, pudding, and jello outside on the lawn. Awwwww yeaaaaaah!)
science experiments! (can you construct something that will keep an egg safe from a high drop? What about the milk/soap/food coloring experiment?) (gumdrop or marshmallow geometry!)
Art! (pudding finger painting, icing art, noodle glued to paper, bean mosaics, candy collages, potato stamping ) (check out this “multimedia” artist!)
The better the food/child or food/you relationship is, the more likely they/you are to have healthy, balanced, positive eating habits.
Start playing with your food more, on and off the table!
52 Weeks to a Freeplaylife::Week 14!
New week, almost new month, new challenge, and new way to connect to and embrace your own awesome and the awesome of the people around you!
May is hereby christened “The Month Of Fun!” and we are all dedicating ourselves to having some. Having lots, actually. Justin Timberlake can do whatever he wants with sexy, we’re bringing fun back.
Having fun is one of those things that sounds easy to do, but it is in fact very difficult. That’s why so many of us adults have so little of it. That’s why we look at kids and their childhoods with nostalgia and a certain amount of jealousy. And you know why it’s so hard for us as we grow up? Because there’s an anti fun bias in our culture that squelches it out.
I briefly ran with the mamamafia. Strident women who were determined to be the best moms and have the best kids ever. One of our motto’s was always always, “Work before play!” If we didn’t teach our kids this, then surely they’d grow up as frivolous, indulgent, and good for nothing. They wouldn’t be able to hold down a serious job, or pay their rent. They would reflect poorly on our mothering skillz. And so, back in the days before I found my freeplaylife, from the time my kids could walk I taught them all about work before play. This was exactly how I was taught, which is exactly how my parents and their parents before them were taught.
If it was fun, then it was to be done after something not fun. This taught the value of work, and the frivolity of play. Play might be fun, but work pays the bills and makes us productively superior.
“Pick up your toys first!”
“Do all your homework first!”
“Do all your chores first!”
“Clean your room first!”
“Did you eat all your veggies?”
For punishment, all the fun stuff was taken away. No recess. No TV. No playing with friends. No computer. No phone. No video games.
You should have heard me and the mamamafia. Perhaps you are familiar with the boasts of how 2 year old little Johnny picked up his entire room of toys because he couldn’t have juice until he did. Or how 5 year old little Susy had to keep all her toys in an organized bin or she’d get them all thrown in a garbage bag. And the rest of us would oh and ah at how brilliant we were at devising tricks to keep our kids towing the line and as obediently work focused as possible.
blah blah blah.
Bullshit.
Dr. Seuss and I now agree: “Fun is good!”
When I left the mamamafia and started unschooling to the beat of our own drummer, I discovered something amazing. The answer to most if not all parenting struggles is a simple, “Play More”.
Play more, bitches!
This month is all about playing more, and finding the fun in the everyday. How about this…
Play while you pick up toys!
Play while you do chores!
Play while you clean!
Play while you eat!
There doesn’t need to be a separation between life and fun, work and play. This month we’re putting them back together.
THIS WEEK WE’RE GOING TO PLAY WITH OUR FOOD
Oh yes we are.
Food is such a serious thing for so many, that it becomes a chore. A boring, stress inducing, unpleasant, control issue, hot button topic.
Food is for nourishment. But that’s not all. It’s an amazingly sensory experience. Food is to be enjoyed, shared, appreciated, and played with! Sight, sound, touch, taste, smell…it’s a recipe for joy. I’ll never forget dinnertime while I was an exchange student in France…4 hour dinners with the whole family sitting around laughing, eating, serving, and enjoying. No struggles, no forcing anyone to eat anything. It was pure joy.
This week I challenge you to look at your relationship with food. Is it an issue with you and your body image? Is it an issue with you and your kids? Do you have struggles over what/when/where/how food is eaten? Has food ever been used as incentive for controlling your behavior? Do you use is as treats for controlling your kids behavior? Are mealtimes fun? Does food cause you pleasure or angst?
Have you ever had a mustache and beard party while eating chocolate fondue?
If not, you’re missing out on a whole treasure trove of fun.
This week I’ll be blogging all about having more fun with food. And since we eat food at least 3 times per day, if you can increase your food/fun connection, that’s adding a lot more joy into your life!
Share TweetPermanent Impermanence; or, how to embrace right now.
Last year I went by train to a silent meditation retreat in Washington. No talking, no eye contact, no iphone, no writing utensils, no camera, no books, no food. Just me, a meditation pillow, and a soft blanket to wrap myself in. I thought this would be a great get-away from everything that was annoying me in my life. That was before I spent 10 days with only myself and my thoughts to keep me company…it was then that I realized that my intrusive, whiney, self pitying thoughts were way more annoying than anything I’d encountered in the real world.
Seriously, 25 minutes of just your own thoughts is torturous enough. This is why you don’t see a lot of people just sitting around, staring blankly at a wall or ceiling. This is why there are things like ipods and sketch pads and TV and the internets and youtube and netflix and books and movies and DIY projects and Etsy and pinterest… All these things occupy our thoughts so we don’t have to sit still with them. Except I put myself in a situation where sitting with my thoughts was all I could do–without any distractions–and let me tell you I was ready to try to smother myself with the meditation pillow until I passed out just to get some relief.
Anyhoo, by about day 4 I decided to do some experimenting in my head in order to keep my brain occupied with something other than yapping at me all day long. So, the next time I had an itch or a sneeze coming on I did my best to stop it. Not really stop it, but more like let it run it’s course while observing it but without reacting to it. It was hard at first because if you’ve ever paid attention to a sneeze, it’s a very compelling thing. You MUST sneeze when it demands. It feels like your whole body will go into convulsions if you try to stop the sneeze. Sneezing is the only thing that matters. The sneeze is the singularity…there is nothing before the sneeze and there is nothing after the sneeze. When you attempt to observe and ride out the sneeze, it is eternal. Go ahead, try it. It took me 24 thrilling hours to harness the ability to not sneeze when I needed to. Not only did I stop sneezing, but I also stopped reacting to itches and random pain.
I realized that the only difference between reacting strongly to something vs. allowing it to pass on through is how I personally felt about it. If I felt like the sensation of itch or sneeze was going to last forever (which it feels like it will), then I’d give up and just react to the stimulus. But if I sat still and paid attention, I’d notice that the one sensation…”itch” or “sneeze” was actually a whole bunch of little stimulus that was constantly changing. Eventually it would change itself completely gone and I would remain just as still as I had before the feeling started.
I started extrapolating that one experience into all aspects of my life. Sneezes and itches weren’t permanent. Pain wasn’t permanent. My negative emotions weren’t permanent. I’m not permanent. Neither is happiness, abundance, wealth, positive emotions. I realized that bouncing back and forth between avoiding one kind of experience while clinging to another was a waste of my energy. Instead, I started enjoying the positive things knowing they wouldn’t last, and sat and experienced the negative things knowing they wouldn’t last either. I am neither a permanent sinner nor saint, nice nor a bitch, perfect nor flawed. Rather, I am all those things and they ebb and flow like an ocean tide.
This has anchored me to a very present state of mind. What happened before has very little effect on how I am now…everything shifts. Maybe I was sad before, but time and experience then create something else in that space where sadness used to live. How I am now has very little effect on what may or may not happen later…everything shifts. Because I am happy now doesn’t mean that time and experience won’t create something else in that space where happiness used to live. Either way, the shifting bedrock of experiences and emotions doesn’t change the solid foundation of what is reality right now.
Sit still with your reality. Accept it for what it is. Scary? Overwhelming? Painful? Joyful? Frustrating? Happy? Now accept that it won’t permanently be like that. For some this will be a relief. For others it will be like a robbery. Now accept that what it shifts into won’t be permanently like that either. So hang on. Be happy when you are happy. Be sad/bitchy/upset when you feel that way. Know that no experience will last forever, and no feeling will change your being.
No matter what, your being is freaking fantastic.
52 Weeks To A Freeplaylife::Week 13!
Friends, countrymen, bitches, lend me your ears. We are a fourth of the way through our 52 Weeks program! That’s, like, 3 months worth of shifting from where we were at towards a more examined, fulfilling, joyful, meaningful, authentic, and kick ass life. I hope you’re feeling the gradual change. Some things shift quickly, while others take some time and effort. Keep it up! By now you’ve shed some emotional clutter taking up room in your self and you’re ready to fill it back up with awesome!
This week’s challenge sounds easy, but can be a bitch to master. But also? It sounds harder than it is. So this will either be easily difficult or difficultly easy, depending on the person. Personally, it took me a year to figure this shit out. But then again, I was trying to do it all by myself and it’s always harder without a tribe to lean on. I’m hoping this can be your tribe and the challenge this week will lead you towards a kind of freedom that makes you feel lighter inside.
The challenge is to see things how they really are. It’s not to see things how you wish they were, or how you hoped they would be, what you think or what other people are telling you they are. Reality is always open to debate, depending on the viewpoint of the people debating it…so go ahead and spend some time investigating your life and all the things/people in it.
It gets kind of tricky to pin anything down.
I’ve noticed a lot of parenting tactics revolve around a denial of the truth, especially when talking to kids. “You’re not hungry, you just ate!”, “You aren’t thirsty, I just got you 2 glasses of water!”, “You can’t be really scared, it’s just a dark hallway in our house!”, “You can’t have to use the bathroom again, you just went!”, “You must be tired”, “You don’t mean that, say you’re sorry!”, “It doesn’t hurt that bad, it’s just a little scrape!”
It’s an easy default, mostly because it was done to us. I hope you get really good at pinpointing all the voices in your head. And yes, you do have them. You think it’s your own voice, but it’s not. It’s a collection of every teacher/friend/boss/coworker/family member who affected your behavior by changing your truth.
As I sat and paid attention to the voice that speaks to me (and not in a Cybil/psychotic kind of way..promise..) I realized that it was directly counterintuitive to what I actually felt.
Sometimes I really am hungry 15 minutes after eating. And I don’t care how full I was at dinner, there’s always room for dessert.
I’m thirsty all the time. It doesn’t matter how many glasses I’ve already had, I want more water!
I’m scared most of the time, even in dark rooms of my own house.
I rarely pee and poop at the same time. First I pee. Then I leave and walk around for a few minutes, then I go back and poop. There you go and you’re welcome.
Sometimes I do mean it, and I don’t want to apologize. Especially if the other person is a douchebag who doesn’t respect my truth.
Sometimes it really does hurt that bad. And sometimes I need to take time to cry it out.
Try really hard not to talk yourself or the people around you (your kids!) out of what they are telling you. Try really hard not to react or get freaked out by whatever feelings or realities come up. Just let things be. Be happy. Be sad. Be scared. Be bitchy. Be hungry. Be thirsty. Be talkative. Be silent. Be vulnerable. Be fierce. Be human.
For this week, feel what it’s like to just be yourself.
read more52 Weeks To A Freeplaylife:: Week 12
I am so in love with this month of yes, I am going to marry it and have its little babies. I will name the products of our blessed union of awesome, and they shall be called “Can”, “Want to”, “Will”, “Do” and “Si, Senor!” As they grow up they will provide me with hours and hours of fun and entertainment, and they will keep me happy and joyous all the days of my life.
Except when I neglect them and forget to feed them a steady diet of whimsy, lightheartedness, and leaps of faith. Without those things, my children with Yes will slink off to their room and mope around.
So, this week we will supplement our steady diet of Yes with a booster shot of laughter.
This week we shall laugh!
We shall laugh until we cry and cry until we laugh again!
If you are thinking times are too tough for you to take part in this laughing challenge, I say to you from personal experience…tough times make for some of the best and most deeply soul cleaning laughter.
“The comic and the tragic lie inseparably close, like light and shadow.” -Socrates
How many times do you laugh every day? Keep track this week! What is your daily average?
Laugh more, judge less!
Laugh more, talk less!
Laugh more, think less!
Laugh like you used to when your two front teeth were missing: loudly, bravely, eyes closed tight and with every fiber of your being!
Here’s some great reasons to laugh more, in case you need some encouragement!
This week is all about laughing. Anywhere, anytime, with anyone.
Now get out there and snort, guffaw, bray, titter, and chuckle!
Share TweetSay Yes To Perks!
Every job has perks that go along with it. As people, it’s our job to maximize those perks to their full extent. Everyone knows this. Everyone brags about how well they can work the system in order to get a few glorious perks in an otherwise “nose to the grindstone” and toil filled day.
When I was an apartment manager, people used to bring me baked goods all the time…perhaps to get me to wave late fee’s or pass them in an upcoming cleaning check. I’d never do this, of course, just eat the food and then tell them it needed to be a little bit better next time.
When I had a secretarial job, I took solace from the drudgery with games of solitaire on my computer and a free vending machine in the office full of candy bars and soda. I also got a kick out of xeroxing every body part I could think of…but doesn’t everybody?!
When I travel for freelance work, I love room service at hotels.
But mostly, my job is being an unschooling stay at home mom. I wrote a lot about this a couple days ago for that whimsical little collaborative blog space of awesome Overexposed+Underdeveloped and called it “My Life’s Work.”
As a stay at home mom, there are TONS of perks available. Park days, beach days, wine in the afternoon, all day pajama parties, pancakes for every meal and snacktime too, naptime, sleeping in (when the kids get to the golden age of teendom), field trips to the zoo, and daytime TV.
Except!
Survey says we SAHM aren’t taking advantage of the perks like our fellow workers in the job field. You know how I know this? Soap operas are DOA. Soaps! The staple that got my mom and all her friends through long afternoons of folding laundry and preparing that night’s dinner. Soaps! The inalienable right of every mom to kick back and indulge in a little mindless fantasy and escape while her kid(s) nap(ped).
What’s happened?! I have my suspicions. I blame a little something called Etsy for turning scores of SAHM’s into daytime entrepreneurs trying to contribute what they can financially using all available skills. I blame a little something called Pinterest for turning scores and scores of us into project junkies obsessed with being better, cuter, craftier, and cleaner. Reading blogs of other people’s lives to compare ours with doesn’t help either. All available “down time” is taken up in the pursuit of becoming the alpha SAHM, as if to prove that what we do as SAHM’s is valuable and we’re earning our keep.
Listen. I gave up making other people prove themselves to me a long time ago. And I gave up trying to prove myself to people who required it of me. I know what I do. It’s hard work! I know my value. I know what you do, and it’s hard work! Know your value! Give yourself a break. Say yes to the perks of your day. Eat those pancakes! Drink that wine while the kids are down for a nap, and take one yourself. Wear those PJ’s with pride! Take those field trips, park days, and afternoons at the beach. Enjoy yourself. Soak it up.
You know why? You’ll be showing your kids not only how happy you are with your life, but how to really live the shit out of it. Full throttle! Laugh, dance, sing, relax, play, and recognize the awesome. This becomes what you teach your kids, and it’s a key ingredient for resiliency and happiness in life.
What perks do you enjoy during your day?!
Share TweetYes Instead of No.
What would happen if you replaced every no with a yes? Chaos? Anarchy? Indulgence? The End of the World? Fatigue? Disobedience? What? What is stopping you from saying yes? Say yes this week and see what happens. Does everything fall apart, or does it get even more awesome?!
This month is your chance to live life in a fairytale of yes. Anything you want…do it. Anything your kids dream of….do it. Whatever fanciful and crazy thing you can think of…do it. Yes, yes, yes. Breathe in possibilities and breath out yes.
I was inspired by two mama’s today on my instagram feed who did just this!
Heather over at Mattern Family Adventures went with some kind of flow and snapped this picture of her family hula hooping on their roof. To do this, she said yes to not only a crazy idea but also to adventure over fear. This one photo says so much to me! Incidentally, there is something magical about hanging out on a roof. If you want magical memories with your kids, do normal things but up on a roof. Have a tea party on the roof. Read a story on the roof. Look at the stars from the roof. Memories are made from moments like this. Who would ever forget hooping on a roof?!
And then!
Jen over at Raising Lovies also has a hoop related “Yes!” moment. She’s crazy busy getting ready to go on a trip and dealing with packing/cleaning/householding/child rearing…and yet in the midst of all that when she doesn’t have any time to spare…she spared some time. There is always time for yes! So she took it to hoop. I haven’t talked a lot about hula hooping on the blog…so little time, so many things to talk about…but I’m hooked on hula hooping. And not just around my waist like a 5 year old. I mean, hooping everywhere with it. Hoop dancing, as it were. Hooping like a fool! I so so so so love seeing evidence of a mama saying yes to her own needs, no matter how pressed for time/attention/effeciency she is. Go Jen! Go Jen!
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What have you said yes to this week?
Share read more52 Weeks To A FreeplayLife::Week 11!
April is the month of YES!
Did you realize how often you say no through last week’s challenge that had you stop saying it, ever? Or, at least for last week.
I have a personal theory about no and mental/spiritual/emotional health. When I’m happy…really really happy, my no to yes ratio is around 5:1. When I’m moderately unhappy, the ratio is more like 10:1. And when I’ve been super depressed? It’s around 20:1.
“No” works as a good boundary, but in its extreme form it is like the Great Wall of China…keeping marauders out but also isolating everything on the inside.
“No” can become a habit…a knee jerk response to stay in a safe zone…the zone of how things have always been. Which might not be all that great, but “not all that great” is much more comfortable than changing things up and jumping into the unknown!
And while I’m not suggesting here that you’re in a rut or need to change up anything…I’ve found the quickest way to get out of a rut and change things up is to shift the no to yes ratio. This week, you can say no again, if you want. Go back to how you’d usually be, paying special attention to your no to yes ratio.
This week, we are opening up to yes by reworking all the “no’s”.
Flip it upside down and inside out.
Everything you say NO to means you are saying YES to something else.
No and yes are like yin and yang…two parts to the same circle.
When you say “No!” when the kids ask to finger paint because you’re tired and don’t want to clean up the mess, think of it as saying “Yes!” to order and cleanliness. Sometimes that’s what we need to keep our sanity. That and some wine, juicebox style.
When you say “No!” to trying something new that is intimidating or scary, think of it as saying “Yes!” to routine and protocol. Sometimes that’s what we need to make us feel safe and secure. That and some whiskey neat.
When you say “No!” to anything, think about what it’s saying yes to and focus your energy on that.
The difference is subtle, but profound.
Spend this week tuning in to the difference.
No energy is focused on what you don’t want.
Yes energy is focused on what you do want.
“No” and no energy creates more space for more of what you don’t want.
“Yes” and yes energy creates more space for more of what you do want.
No feels punitive, restrictive, unallowing, harsh. This is how no feels to me:
Yes feels embracing, allowing, opening, light, positive, gentle. This is how yes feels to me:
All your “no’s” this week are roadmaps. Use them to take you to yes. No is what you don’t want to have/do/say/be/feel. Now, flip it around and think about what that means you do want to have/do/say/be/feel.
Maybe you discover that your need for order and cleanliness isn’t as great as your need for giggling kids making huge messes with fingerpaints and you change your no to yes. Maybe you tell your kids you’d love to let them fingerpaint but want to keep everything clean for a record setting 15 minutes at any one time (ha) and then they offer to fingerpaint in the bathtub. Win! Maybe you realize that your need for order and cleanliness isn’t coming from your kids but more a reaction to turmoil in some other aspect of your life that you’ve been ignoring.
What are your “no’s” telling you? Is there a way to yes?
read moreExamining No.
To give you a peek behind the curtain that is the freeplaylife challenge, I’ll tell you that I have already completed all 52 eventual challenges in the past year, and usually do ‘em again the week before I publish them on the blog. No matter how many times I do them, I’m always discovering new things about myself and new ways to reintroduce the kind of happy joy that’s rarely found outside of childhood!
One thing I’ve learned is that you have to allow joy to enter into your life. That’s the main reason for this month of YES! The more we open up to the possibility of yes, the more we open up to the possibility of happiness and joy.
I don’t have anything against saying ‘no’…it’s important to set up boundaries and limits for ourselves. But saying no can become a habit…an unexamined knee jerk response to something that could use some examining! And the thing about no is that it is a big stop sign. It functions as something that stops any forward movement once it’s thrown out there. No No No! Stop Stop Stop!
I was doing some last minute shopping before my 10 day Costa Rica adventure a couple weeks ago. You know, picking up necessities to take with me on the trip; like a flashlight, lock, and outlet adaptor. Turns out, I never ended up using the flashlight. I couldn’t figure out how to use the lock since it’s been longer than a decade since I’ve used one in school and my gym comes with it’s own kind. Also, Central America uses the same outlets as North America…good to know!
While collecting these things I came across a pair of earrings. I never used to wear earrings much before I shaved my head. But when I removed all my hair, I suddenly craved adornment. Earrings…makeup…I loved the point and counterpoint of a bold and masculine shaved head with a very feminine feather earring and/or girly made up face. I also loved dangling feather earrings because I could play with something in place of my now discarded hair.
But the earrings I came across weren’t feathery. They were gold (plated, ha). They were gold and hoopy. Circular, gold, big hoop earrings. I immediately told myself “No! No hoop earrings! You don’t need to spend money on it!” I walked away. Then I remembered this challenge that I hadn’t announced yet, but was redoing again before it went ‘live’. The “No!” tripped my internal alarm and I stopped to examine the source. Was it really about being frugal? What did I have against hoop earrings? I returned to them. I held them in my hands and recalled how much I loved circular, gold, big hoop earrings when I was a teenager. And how much I loved them on other people. For all the love I had for them, you’d expect that I’d have a large collection of all kinds of hoop earrings. In fact, I had none. I’d never worn any. Instead of earrings, I had a long history of ‘no!’ whenever the opportunity presented itself.
And for what purpose? Why this no?!
The answer is as simple as it is meaningless. A careless comment made by a girl that wasn’t even a friend of mine. Years ago…25 to be exact. 25 years ago a 14 year old me asked a 15 year old friend of a friend if I could borrow a pair of her hoop earrings while we were getting ready to go to the beach. She paused, looked at me, and said, “No, your face isn’t the right shape to wear them. You’d look terrible.”
She was beautiful, a long haired brunette who had managed to escape the beating of the 14 year old puberty growth ugly stick. Her facial features maintained porportion while mine was skewed with a big nose and bushified eyebrows. Her body was lithe and streamlined while mine was making me clumsy with new ballast added in the form of hips and boobs. She knew how to apply a perfect cat eye with eyeliner while I was still trying to get my lipstick application to remain just on my lips. In short, she was perfect and an expert on whatever she talked about, while I was just a girl imposter.
One sentence said 25 years ago by a girl I barely knew about a subject she knew nothing about kept me from wearing something I loved until one afternoon 2 weeks ago when I stopped to ask myself….”why not?!”
I bought the hoop earrings. I wore the shit out of the hoop earrings in Costa Rica. I never once wondered if they made me look terrible or not…25 years of growing up had at least taught me that what other people think of me is less important than what I think of myself. And what I thought was that I fucking loved them as much as I thought I would. I loved the way they bumped up against my cheek and neck when I moved my head. I loved letting my fingers carefully trace their cool circular surface when I was lost in thought. I loved how big they were, and how they weren’t afraid to be noticed. I loved that no matter how exhausted, jet lagged, or overwhelmed I was while traveling…they made me feel put together and with it. Here’s proof…after a return flight that spanned 19 hours of connections and layovers to get back from Costa Rica to California…I feel terrible but the hoops are still looking good!
Pay attention to all the times you say “No!” to yourself. Examine them the way a 5 year old reacts to being told no. Why not? Are they a way to self preserve? Do they form boundaries? Are they keeping things out or keeping things in? Are they stopping you from something else? Is it time to say “yes!” instead?
read more52 Weeks To A Freeplaylife: Week 10!
In one of the most exotic places I’ve ever written a blog post, this one is coming straight from San Jose, Costa Rica! Airport wifi ftw! The last 10 days have been a whirlwind of sights, sounds, people, food, and experiences…with mostly no internet. I always feel twitchy when I’m removed from the internets, especially when there are so many blog posts that can be written about a lone woman traveling to a country she knows nothing about, interacting in a language she doesn’t speak, trying to get around to places that she’s deciding on at the last minute. It was a real seat of my pants kind of trip!
There’s time enough for all that. Right now, lets talk about you! Specifically, this new week full of opportunities to become more authentic, tuned in, playful, and content in the happiest way possible.
New week, new month, and there’s plenty in store for you. Are you ready?! Of course you are. It’s what I like about you..always up for a good challenge.
April is the month of yes.
APRIL IS THE MONTH OF YES!!!!!
Life is rarely black and white, but your world can be narrowed down to two things: what you say yes to and what you say no to. Everything else happens as a result.
Freeplaylife is a life of yes. It’s open to possibilities. Expansive. Embracing. Curious. Fresh. New. Energized. Always learning and growing.
Yes I want more! Yes I’m interested! Yes I care! Yes I want to! Yes I’m curious! Yes, let’s do it! Yes, I will try! Yes I will encourage you! Yes I will be encouraged! Yes! Yes! Yes!
For some reason I’ve found that it’s much easier in this life to drift into the world of no. No I’m too tired. No, I’m scared. No I don’t care. No it’s too messy. No it’s too loud. No you’re wrong. No it’s too hard. No, since I won’t I don’t think you should either. Too many “no’s” in a day is constrictive. It blocks us from things we might not know will lead to our personal happiness. It’s isolating and restrictive.
This week, your challenge is to avoid saying no.
It’s not that I want you to say yes to everything all the time…that would be crazy and leave you exhausted and cranky! There’s a time and place for no…no helps us draw our boundaries. But the balance between yes and no is often skewed to the side of no. To help you pay attention to how many times you say no in a day, I want you to avoid saying the actual word. You can get creative about this and substitute other words or phrases in for it, though.
Instead of no, you can say:
I don’t want to
I’d prefer not to
That’s not going to happen
Maybe another time
Let’s talk about it later
I don’t see that in my future
Not now, but what about in 30 minutes
…or whatever else you come up with.
You can make your opinion known without saying the actual word.
You will see that when no doesn’t fly out of your mouth automatically, it becomes more of a choice between that and yes. You choose between yes and no every day. Pay attention to what you are saying yes to and what you are saying no to.
Every time you say the word “no” this week, put some spare change into your stach jar!
I’ll be back in the states tomorrow, and then we can properly catch up with each other. Yay!
Remember that this is the month of yes!
read moreBeing Rejected Is The New Black
So, have you been rejected today? I totally have. I asked a salesman at the Lomography store in LA if I could break into a box to get a Diana F+ camera for $50 without paying for the flash it was packaged with. He said no. I told him if he went into the back to check on something, I could do it while he wasn’t looking and he’d be none the wiser. He still said no. I felt awesome for even asking. The feeling of being audacious and bold is so new, it always makes me exhilarated and giggly. Like, how dare I! Who do I think I am? Well you know who I think I am?
I think I am one bad mama jama!
I was also not rejected today. I asked for whipped cream in my mocha (because 5 packets of sugar in the raw wasn’t enough sugar) and the guy said they usually keep the whipped cream for the cakes and pastries since they run out so fast. So, it was kind of a rejection but left enough of an open door that I asked if he could check and see if they’d run out already or if there was enough for a little in my coffee. He came back with a bunch just for me. Rejection fail! Then I asked a dude out on a date, and he said yes. Another rejection fail!
A year ago I would never have done any of this. A year ago I was stuck tightly in my web of rejection anxiety and would have rather hacked my own arm off with a plastic knife than put myself out there. Back then, I felt like a rejection of my ideas/wants/needs was a very real rejection of me…and it was scary. Then I ran across a website where rejection was the whole point. There were playing cards that had ideas for what to ask to get rejected from strangers every day. Just the thought of it made me have a nervous breakdown. So. I knew I had to do it.
I started small, asking for different things in restaurants. More of something, a free side of something else, and extra of another thing. I discovered that I was rejected half as much as I’d anticipated, and that gave me courage to go for more. It was thrilling and frightening all at once!
Then I put it up a notch by priceline negotiating. That’s where you can name your price for hotels/flights/car rentals. It became serious therapy for me! I negotiate everything now…not just on priceline but everywhere. And again, I’m much more successful at it than I’d anticipated. The rush of getting what I want is intoxicating. Addictive. It’s changed me from a rejection avoider to a rejectionaholic. After all, “no” is just the first step to an eventual “yes” if you apply yourself enough.
Have you been rejected today?
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