52 Weeks To A Freeplaylife: Week 9
I couldn’t be more excited about this weeks challenge than if you led me blindfolded into a room, sat me down, and unblindfolded me to reveal a space full of fountains flowing with chocolate and cheese and assorted dipping things. I love chocolate and cheese. And I love dip-able food even more. So you can imagine how overcome I am to present the 9th week challenge!
This week is about filling yourself up with confidence, playfulness, and awesome!
Before we can import all those yummy things, we must export some not quite so yummy things already shacking up inside you. We must pull out some weeds in your psyche to create room for some fertile soil ready to grow flowers of badassery! That’s where the fun comes in.
This week we are going to embrace rejection and “no”!
This week we are going to go out of our way to ask for things that have no way of happening in a million years!
Every day, your challenge is to get rejected out in public. How big or small the request and rejection is can be judged by you…but I will say that the greater the risk, the greater the reward.
Start small! Be practical!
Go ahead and ask for a free refill of coffee or soda.
See if your kid can get a free scoop of ice cream if you buy one yourself.
Ask for a free gift with purchase, no matter what store you’re at.
Feel what it’s like to be told no as an adult. Feel what you are telling yourself about rejection. What does it mean to you? What does it make you think and feel? And then, embrace the reality of it. Discover that…it’s….not bad. It’s just a word. And often, it will be said much less that you fear. The world is actually quite an accommodating place, and people who speak up boldly for what they want are often rewarded.
When I first started doing this last year, I could barely ask for extra packets of ketchup or soy sauce at a restaurant. It was really really hard for me to verbalize something if I thought I was going to be shot down or told no. I didn’t realize that I had a LOT of energy tied up in worrying about if other people would agree or allow me to do or have things. Instead of risking a rejection, usually I would talk myself out of whatever it was. It was a lose/lose. Not only did I NOT get what interested me, I actually increased my worry and fear.
Then I woke up tired, afraid, and stuck for the hundredth or maybe thousandth day in a row. And instead of talking myself out of how bad it was and how trapped I felt, I said “Fuck this! I’m making a change!” and I meant it. My change was tied directly to not letting my fear of rejection stop me from going after what I wanted/needed.
We weren’t born with this rejection anxiety. How many times do your kids ask for crazy shit, repetitively, until you want to take a straw and sit in a tub full of wine? Kids hear no all the freaking time, but to them it’s just the starting point for negotiations. Eventually, though, all the no’s add up with discipline and discouragement and voila: rejection anxiety. It’s crippling. It’s chronic. It’s debilitating. It leads to doubt and second guessing. It leads to frustration and stunted growth.
But! As strong as it feels, rejection anxiety is less tangible than smoke from a flame. It’s not a real barrier you have to hack your way through with a machete. You just have to go out there and start getting rejected more. Little by little.
Ask your kids for help, let them in on this one. I have had so much fun with my kids since the day I told them, “Mama is going to ask for ridiculous things that people will say no to.” They have really good imaginations and it’s almost become an underground double dog dare thing with us. They dare me to ask someone something, (like asking a stranger on a rainy day with an umbrella if I could use it to run down the street for groceries and bring it back in 15 minutes, ha) I pretty much have to do it. I don’t hide my discomfort, they watch me work through it. I laugh and cry and get hysterical and beg them please please don’t make mama ask the grocer stocking the produce section to hold a banana and sing the Chiquita banana song…and then I do it. I’ve noticed that this has actually inspired them to be more bold and less afraid in their own lives. And that is a win/win.
I’ve also noticed that people are up for a lot more than I give them credit for. The umbrella man? Totally gave up his umbrella to me. The grocer? Totally sang the chiquita banana song once I taught it to him. The world is a lot more awesome than I gave it credit for.
In fact, this world is pretty fucking amazing.
You know your stash jar? Put in a dollar (or whatever change you have in your pocket) for every time you THINK of something outrageous to ask but then flake out on because of fear/embarrassment/shame or whatever other emotion stops you.
Go get ‘em, tiger!
Share TweetMaking Room For Awesome.
A few years ago, I sold almost everything in my 5,000 square foot house over the span of 30 days. I wasn’t drinking (yet), so I did it stone cold sober.
The who/what/when/where/why isn’t important, I’ll just sum up by saying that I accomplished it and was amazed at some of the things I discovered.
I discovered the literal weight of owning stuff, because I had to haul that shit up stairs, down hallways, and out to the curb.
I discovered that cabinet doors and drawers hide a lot of crap that you forget you have.
I discovered that when I pulled everything out of doors and drawers, I didn’t want most of it.
I discovered that treasures I’d forgotten I had were being covered over by lots of shit I didn’t even care about.
I discovered that trash accumulates no matter how good you are at trying to stay up with it. Over 5 years, I ended up with a dumpsters worth of it…things that I couldn’t use, sell, or give away.
I discovered that I was carrying all that trash/weight/accumulation around in my mental/spiritual space, because as my house lightened up of all that shit, so did I.
I discovered that the best way to find gratitude whenever I’m feeling like I don’t have enough or I need more is to simply give more away.
I discovered that the space taken up by useless items/collections/clutter acts as a barrier towards needful things settling in.
I discovered that meaningful things come into my life when I make a space for them by prioritizing and getting rid of the nonmeaninful shit I’m holding on to or totally forgot I had.
I discovered that keeping space free in my literal world also keeps my mental/emotional/spiritual space open.
I discovered that awesome shit happens when I stay in this open, free, uncluttered space.
How has the challenge to free up some space in your own home gone for you? Have you discovered anything?
52 Weeks to a Freeplaylife::Week 9!
A new week, a new challenge!
I’m heading off to host a hoopenanny in Austin with a bunch of rad bitches, and then going straight to find out what trouble I can get into walking around 6th Street with some great shoes and a hula hoop. But before I go, I wanted to post the focus of this week’s challenge–something that follows this month’s theme of opening up and creating space in your life. Last week you stopped apologizing…if you feel so inclined you may start saying “i’m sorry” again without a dollar penalty into your stash jar. I hope that you stay really aware of the things you automatically accept responsibility for, though, and release anything that really has nothing to do with you.
This week we’re all going to literally clear space in the space around us…Our physical space…in a little challenge called:
7 BAGS IN 7 DAYS
Each day, pick an area/drawer/closet/cabinet, and clean it out of one bag’s worth of stuff to throw away/give away/get out of your house. The size of the bag depends totally on you. It can be a ziploc baggie, or a gallon sized (or bigger!) trash bag. Just pick an area, pick a size bag, and get ‘er done!
Failure to remove a bag of stuff from your house is $1 in your stash jar! As in, it has to be physically out of your house THAT DAY. Think less, do more. Pick it up and get it out! Or, as the marines would say, “MOVE MOVE MOVE!!!”
Good luck, and I’ll check back in tomorrow to see how you’re doing and how much you have accumulated in your stash jar so far!
read moreSpeaking of Mornings…
Actually, we weren’t speaking of mornings, were we. Or, at least you weren’t. But I am! Over at a new place doing a new kind of thing for me: a collaborative blog. A group of ladies that I’ve known through photographs, flickr, and facebook got together and drank a lot of wine while skyping. One of the many brilliant ideas to come from such a mind meld was a little something we like to call “Overexposed + Underdeveloped,” and I’ll be writing there from time to time.
As you can see, we aren’t your normal, average group of 30-something year old housewives. But really, I’d like to see a group of any 30-something year olds that ARE normal and average. They might pretend, but we all know better. What I love about the posts being written at O+U is that none of the women there pretend much about anything. They take it all in and reflect it all out…the good, the bad, the pretty, the ugly, the frustrating, and the happy. It’s not really a mommy blog, or a rant blog, or a food blog or a photo blog or a female empowerment blog. Here’s what it isn’t, and what it is.
It was my turn today to talk about mornings. And if you click through you’ll see that ever since the separation, my mornings have been a bit…crazy. Crazy good, crazy bad, crazy crazy, crazy alone…but never crazy average. If you really grab hold, nothing about life is anything average.
Tales of A Nice Girl.
I grew up a nice girl in a nice house with nice brothers and sisters, and nice parents. My nice friends and I would do nice things together. I always had a nice time. I married a nice guy and had some nice kids, and we all lived nicely and happily ever after. The end.
The truth is always a little bit more murky than that, though, isn’t it? And the truth is, all of that is true, and none of it is true. In some lives, truth matters less than the appearance of it, though, and I was raised to be a nice girl and have a nice life like that. If my life veered from nice, then I’d just have to dig down and get even MORE nice to pull it back. “Please”, “Thank you”, and “I’m sorry” were the trifecta of phrases one was expected to learn in my house. So I did, diligently. I got really good at it, because when I used them then my parents were happy and when I didn’t they weren’t. Not happy meant either anger, sadness, or some form of “gentle” spanking.
I grew up fluent in “I’m sorry”. It became my native language. I learned quickly that it was best to keep people happy, and if people weren’t happy then “I’m sorry” would take care of it. It’s worth noting that I didn’t consider myself a person, necessarily, at least not one that needed to be prioritized on the happy list. I learned to be happy if I made other people happy, even if I wasn’t. I became not unlike any manner of trained animal, performing for treats. In my case, the treat was soothing how other people felt. First to my family, and then friends, and then even strangers. If anyone was having trouble, I knew how to solve it. If I could take responsibility, and then be sorry for it, that seemed to work.
“I’m sorry I made you angry.” “I’m sorry I made you sad.” “I’m sorry I made you worry.” “I’m sorry I didn’t like it.” “I’m sorry you’re disappointed in me.” “I’m sorry I embarrassed you.” “I’m sorry I didn’t listen better.” “I’m sorry I wasn’t paying attention.” “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you…”
It wasn’t a stretch, then, to believe that God also needed me to apologize to Him. It’s what I was taught at church, anyway, and who was I to argue? At night I would lie in bed and compose my prayers full of repentance and sorrow for not being perfect. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” I would repeat over and over, some nights not even knowing what for. It became like a rosary prayer. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” was the lullaby that would send me drifting off to sleep.
I made my way to college, the nicest girl anyone had ever met. And if you didn’t think I was nice? I was sorry about that. One night I played a casual game of catch with a freshman boy in the quad. I thought it was going well until he stopped abruptly and said, “I can’t play this anymore. Do you know how much you say you’re sorry?” And I didn’t. Hadn’t noticed. “Oh, really? I’m so sorry!”
He threw the ball, I dropped it. “Sorry!”
I threw the ball to the left, he couldn’t get it. “I’m so sorry!”
He tossed the ball, it bounced before I got it. “Oh! Sorry!”
I overthrew the ball back. “Sorrrrry!”
etc., etc.
He took his ball and walked away.
“Sorry!” I shouted, again.
I continued on my sorry way, being nice as a warm summer day and sorry as one person can be. Husband, friends, kids, family…please let me help you. Let me be responsible for you, and then when you are unhappy I can be sorry about it. And if that doesn’t make you happy, then I can be sorry about that, too. It’s a win/win!
Except it wasn’t. It wasn’t even a win/lose. I don’t know what the fuck it was. But there was nothing nice about it. I woke up one morning, after my 157th dream in a row about suffocating to death, and knew I couldn’t do it anymore. Be that nice. Be that sorry. I left my marriage, I left my religion, I left most of my friends. If I had kept apologizing to everyone who was unhappy with me doing all the things that–for the first time in my life–were making me happy, then I wouldn’t have had the energy to keep doing my happy things.
I didn’t have any more space for feeling responsible for other people’s emotions at the expense of my own, so I stopped cold turkey. The panic attacks stopped cold turkey, too, so I knew I was on the right track. I reevaluated. If I somehow caused mortal injury then I’d be very remorsefully sorry about that. If I put tomatoes in the dinner, even if I knew you didn’t like tomatoes? Not sorry. If I did bodily harm to you in some inadvertent way, then I’d be sorry. If something that I said out of my own honesty hurt your feelings? Not sorry. If I manage to cut off your finger? SO SORRY! If my kids are disturbing you because they are climbing up instead of sliding down the slide? Not sorry. If I swing my hands around and hit you in the head really hard? Sorry! If me being who I want to be is pissing you off or ruining your day or making you imbalanced in some way? Not gonna be fucking sorry anymore about it.
Sometimes I’m not nice or pleasant, but I’m pretty much always me. I don’t feel the need to apologize about that anymore. I know people might not always like me, but they’ll always know where I stand and what I think. I trust that people prefer honesty. I trust that people are capable of handling their own authentic emotions. I trust that together, we can work out a relationship based on mutual needs and shared humanity. And if what I believe about other people isn’t right? Then I’ll let them handle that shit because I’m over fixing other people with apologies.
Can you handle that? Then we can be friends.
Can’t handle that? We can still be friends.
I don’t need people to agree with me, and many of my friends don’t. I don’t need people to think I’m particularly nice either. All I need is to be able to be me without apologizing for it, and to have you be you without you apologizing for that.
That’s my kind of happily ever after!
read more52 Weeks to a Freeplaylife::Week 8!
Alternate title: The Parable of the Margarita
Let’s say you are with a friend, and you both realize that Chipotle sells really good margaritas for $4.50. After you have one, you also realize that if you had another one, this time flavored with some Blackberry Izze that they also sell, it would be even better. And you were right. A splash of Izze in the margarita cups is inspired! Then you spend so long talking instead of drinking, you are left with two cups full of delicious flavored margaritas when they kick you out of the now closing restaurant. You consider any waste of alcohol the worst form of alcohol abuse, and so brainstorm how to save the drinks and make them portable. You have two empty margarita cups, two full margarita cups, and a mostly full bottle of Izze.
What to do? What to do?
In this purely non fictional parable, here’s what I did: I emptied the good blackberry Izze into the empty two cups and then poured the even better blackberry margaritas into the Izze bottle. Screwed the top on. Portable drink, saved!
Like that Izze bottle, your life can only hold so much. And while I believe that it can be overflowing with all the awesome you want, I also believe that this can only happen when you make space for all that awesome by letting go of a lot of not awesome/marginally awesome clutter. This month, that’s what we’re doing.
It’s a bootcamp, bitches! And here’s what we’re going to do:
CLEAR OUT YOUR SPACE
I’M TALKING MENTALLY, EMOTIONALLY, PHYSICALLY, & SPIRITUALLY!
With only 4 weeks, we can’t dilly dally with this. Plus, the sooner we can clear out some room, the quicker all the awesome and joy can fill it back in.
For this week, here’s what your challenge is:
STOP APOLOGIZING. TO ANYONE. FOR ONE WEEK.
and stop asking people to apologize to you, kids included.
“I’m sorry” seems to be a default, in the past it rolled off my tongue as easily as whiskey now rolls onto it. It’s considered a necessary part of polite company, and having kids who say “I’m sorry” seems to be an indication of proper parenting. I dislike this very much. It’s probably why I make such a good unschooler.
According to the dictionary, apology means: a formal justification, an admission of error accompanied by regret, and a written or spoken expression of one’s regret, remorse, or sorrow for having insulted, failed, injured, or wronged.
So to recap: justify, error, failure, regret, remorse, sorrow, insult, injury, wrong.
How heavy is that? How big and bulky does that feel? How many years have you been saying you’re sorry, and how many times a day? If we were going on a trip and you packed all that, it would take up a bunch of luggage and you’d end up paying $12,098,098 just in baggage charges alone.
For this week only, I want you to drop it. Let it go. Stop feeling responsible for how other people take your actions, and stop assigning responsibility to others for how you feel.
I’m not suggesting you don’t feel or empathize with the people around you, just be more creative about it. Be more honest with how you feel rather than assuming ownership of the way someone else has been affected. Oftentimes “I’m sorry” is used like a bomb in relationships when a scalpel would be better. It is overused by martyrs (“I’m so sorry!”) and selfish people (“Well I hope you’re sorry now!”) alike.
A lot of mental/emotional/spiritual energy can be cleared up when you allow yourself to feel different things about your actions without taking responsibility for someone else’s feelings about them.
*******
Other Options To Say Besides “I’m Sorry”:
I wish it hadn’t happened!
I feel really sad/angry/hurt that you feel sad/angry/hurt/ignored.
That wasn’t my intention, can we talk more about it?
I feel like a douchebag, but I swear I’m not!
Other Options To Say Besides “Are You Sorry?!”
I wish it hadn’t happened, but it did and now I’m going to find my superhero tools and deal with it.
I feel really sad/angry/hurt, was that your intention? If it was, you’re a douchebag and I’m glad I know that now.
Was it an accident? I feel better that you aren’t a douchebag!
*********
So that’s your challenge this week. Find a way to be emotional and empathetic to the world around you without using the words “I’m sorry”.
Step one:
Make a “My stash” jar:
Step two:
put $1 in for every time the words “I’m sorry” come out of your mouth. To anyone!
Step three:
do this for one whole week.
**the money you collect in the “My Stash” jar will come into play in later challenges…just keep collecting the money and save it for an awesome day in the future…***
read moreSuperhero, unmasked.
I recently had a long chat after an even longer experience with me, my fear of heights, and a trapeze. The chat with Flo of Wide Sky Days was a lot better than that chat I had with the trapeze, mostly because I didn’t keep calling her a motherfucking bastard.
We talked about the challenges this month, and it dawned on me that in the midst of all this superhero cheerleading, I’ve forgotten to highlight one of the most important parts to being a superhero.
Superhero has a connotation of being invincible, courageous, and infallible. A superhero saves people. Superheroes are better, stronger, faster, and smarter than anyone else.
That’s actually not what I’m going for with this. I mean, yes, I think everyone’s uniqueness makes them their own kind of kickass hero, but not at the expense of the humanity we all carry around with us.
Being human has a connotation of being fragile, weak, afraid, fallible. Being human means you let people down, including yourself. Being human means you are just like every one else.
Is there room for both in one superhero? When the mask comes off and my rainbow socks get put in the laundry hamper, metaphorically speaking, what then?
If I fail, what do I do with that? If I’m not who I want to be in this moment…if I’m not even sure who that person is…then what? What if I can’t save anyone, let alone myself…where does the superhero go then?
In my experience, this humanity is the foundation for your own personal superhero. I’m a little bit of a comic geek, and if you follow comics at all you know that behind every superhero mask is a story of being an outcast, a weakling, a failure, and kind of a dork. When you are conceptualizing your superhero, I hope you don’t overlook or try to ignore the things about yourself that make you feel plain, ordinary or inferior. I hope there’s space in your persona to include everything you are right in this moment. From weakness comes compassion. Failure births wisdom. Lack of something contributes to generosity.
I am no less my own superhero when I’m sitting alone, with my cat, stripped of anything that makes me feel badass. When I put my hoop down, when I take my long socks off, when I place my camera on my nightstand, when I wash away the makeup and glitter and dirt of the day and simply sit down with a glass of wine in my underwear…I think of my day. What I did and didn’t do. Who I did and didn’t offend. Whether my feelings were or weren’t hurt. I think about my choice to end a marriage and break up my family. I think of the friendships that have been made and lost. I cry for what I was unable to save and laugh for the moments everything felt just right.
During these 52 weeks of challenges you are bringing along your ass, your own opinions, the child that you used to be, and some superhero tools to help you along your way. I hope you also bring along your humanity…everything that isn’t perfect about yourself. The biggest strengths often come from the biggest weaknesses, and in fact I hope you get to a point where you think not of strength vs. weakness but simply as things that exist in you.
You are everything, how can that not be enough?!
read moreSuperhero Tools At Work
It’s the last week of month! You know what that means! Well, maybe not, since I still haven’t done the giveaway from last month. BUT if I had then you’d know that the last week of the month is the giveaway week! Because I’m good with the big picture and bad with the small details, the winner of the giveaway that should have happened last month will now be announced along with the winner of this weeks’ givewaway! Read through to the bottom for details!
This week we’re assembling our superhero tools. Don’t blow this week off…you are going to need every tool you have in the weeks to come. All the things that you value most to wear, eat, hear, read, craft, and help you through the day are to be included in your superhero arsenal.
Some of you overachievers already have your tools assembled. I don’t want you to get bored, so here’s a bonus part to this challenge:
DO SOMETHING WITH WHAT YOU’VE GOT!
FILM OR PHOTOGRAPH IT!
SHARE IT (either on the freeplaylife facebook page OR by using the hashtag #fplphoto on twitter or instagram)
I’ve gotten some comments about how you still remember old dance routines from high school to songs you still listen to. I’ve heard about silly songs you made up years ago that you still sing. I’ve caught wind of weird and wacky talents that you never show anyone. Rumor has it you might have a kickass Cher impersonation when you Karaoke “Do You Believe In Life After Love”.
I want to see that shit!
And in fact, I’d love for your friends to see that shit. Facebook is always a good forum for such nonsense. I’m really big on this sharing idea because when you allow yourself to shine and be who you are, you give permission for everyone else to do the same. I guarantee that when (or, if!) you assbooked, there were a handful of people who thought you were batshit crazy and then 490850394583 more who laughed and thought differently about their own asses after that. These challenges are designed to rid your life of the haterz and fill them full of the mobs of lovers. Not literally lovers, mind you, but more like the people that love you. Unless you’re single and then I wish for you mobs of lovers and people that love you. Not that I’m excluding you married people from good loving! So I guess I do wish lovers for you, only not so many. As in, just one. I wish for you a mob of lover.
Anyhoo, now I’m all hot and bothered and forgot about the point!
I’ll start fresh with a new point. I’ll share an example of what I mean about doing some performance art with your superhero tools. Last month Naturalist and I got dressed in some superhero garb and hooped around to my superhero song. I’ve got it all here…hoop, long socks, sunglasses, camera, and I’m shimmering with body glitter. What I lack in coordination and ability when I hoop I make up for with happiness and play! I’ve only been hooping for 3 months, so just about everyone is better than I am. That’s kind of the point. The goal is to be good with where you are in life, what you have, and what you can do. Love it in all it’s imperfection! If I can do it, so can you.
Any video or photo uploaded this week will be counted as double when I write your name down for the giveaway. Yes, I promise I will actually do the giveaway this month! Both giveaways, actually!
This month I have a $50 gift certificate to Lulu Bug Jewelry.
How to qualify for the giveaway:
leave a comment on any post this week!
post a self portrait or superhero tools photo on twitter or instagram using the tag #fplphoto
post a self portrait or superhero tools photo directly onto the freeplaylife wall
How to qualify for double entry into the giveaway:
post a video of you doing something while wearing your superhero garb or using your tools in some way
write a blog talking about the challenges you’ve done so far with a link to freeplaylife. Leave a comment with a link to it so I know you’ve done so
So there we go. Easy Peasy! Go forth and superhero the shit out of life!
read more52 Weeks To A Freeplaylife: Week 7!
This is the last challenge of February, and it completes the “Superhero” theme of the month. Next week will start a brand new month with a brand new theme and brand new awesome challenges…keeping the ideas that we’ve already worked with but expanding them in a different area of your life.
I’ve asked you to think about yourself as a child and build your own superhero persona because you’ll need both of them along on this journey towards a more authentic, joyful, whimsical life. The idea sounds so frivolous and easy, but it actually will be one of the more growth inducing and challenging efforts you’ll ever undertake. If it weren’t so difficult, we’d all be those things already!
Last week you created your own superhero, and I also shared a picture of my superhero tools:
These are the things that make my heart happy. Not just happy, but whole. I wholeheartedly love these things! As you can see, it doesn’t require much: a hula hoop, some hipster sunglasses, a little sparkly body glitter, long colorful socks, my Canon camera, and my chucks.
This week, think about what your superhero tools are and take a picture of them. If you’re on instagram or twitter you can tag them with #fplphoto so I can find them! If you don’t have a way to share the photo (or, take one…although it boggles my mind that not everyone has the need to take 4385048950 pictures a day like I do!) you can leave a description of your tools in the comments on the blog or on the freeplaylife facebook page!
Figuring out what your tools are can be difficult, because it requires you to have a pretty good understanding of what makes you happy and what you want in your life. Usually I’m too busy mopping floors, folding laundry (or, at least stuffing the clean stuff into piles to maybe be folded if a miracle of organization occurs before they need to be worn again), feeding hungry mouths and administering copious amounts of TLC to my kids to really have time to think about that kind of ‘self actualization’ shit. But I’m here to reinforce the idea that the best way you can fill the needs of your family is to make it a priority to fill your needs also. So as tricky as it is, take some time to think about your superhero tools: the things that you love in your life; either what you wear, listen to, eat, craft, are good at, or use as a hobby.
Don’t blow this challenge off! I know there are some of you that like to lurk along and pick and choose. And that’s cool. I’m all about saving energy and slacking off when the time is right…hitting things hard when they’re worth my time. To those of you like me, let me just say that whether you think this is worth your time or not, IT IS TOTALLY WORTH YOUR TIME. SO DO THIS ONE, BITCHES!
I’m sorry I yelled at you. I hate to yell at you. But sometimes you’re kind of stubborn and ornery. And sometimes I need to emphasize!
I’ll expand on this idea tomorrow, but in the meantime, think about your superhero tools and start compiling them in one place for a photoshoot.
LET’S DO THIS THING!!!!!!!
read moreShow Yourself
I’m getting ready to head off to Las Fucking Vegas for the weekend, to meet up with some of the best girlfriends ever. (heh, I mistyped that as ‘girlfiends’ and am really tempted to keep it like that…) We live all over the country, so this is going to be a rare treat. Here’s the kicker…do you want to know how I knew many of them were going to be my BFF’s? A majority of them owned rainbow socks before we even knew each other. Rainbow socks! It’s a sign! And sure enough, these women are all like gold to me.
I wouldn’t have known this if I hadn’t found that long bright socks were part of my superhero garb. And in fact, when I put my rainbow socks on not everyone likes them. People can be kind of douchey about it actually. But I’ve reached a nice point in my existence of caring more about what I think and feel than about what other people think and feel. Otherwise, I couldn’t wear even half of my superhero outfit. I remember I was in Colorado, packing to move to So. Cal, and I was losing my mind and couldn’t deal with one. more. thing. So I cut my hair into a boy cut. I started wearing jeans and a tank top. I discovered I loved reflective aviator glasses. I got a tattoo. Tattoo’s, by the way, in my former religion are so verboten that when I came back showing off my newly inked wrist, Golfer (at 8!) was really worried they wouldn’t let me back in church again. I stuck out like a sore thumb amongst the other suburban mothers in the area…but I’d started unschooling by then so sticking out was kind of par for the course. It felt so fantastically me for the first time in my life, regardless of what other people thought.
Yada yada yada, 6 months later I moved to West Hollywood. I had just separated from my then husband. I was feeling confused, alone, sad, and insecure to say the least. I went out for my first walk around the neighborhood with Frito, my small shih tzu. It didn’t take long before I noticed something. For the first time in my whole life, I fit in. Before this, when I “fit in” it was because I was trying to be as normal as possible which didn’t actually feel all that comfortable. But now, after choosing how I wanted to look regardless of how inconspicuous it made me in small town Colorado, I found myself perfectly at ease in urban city Los Angeles. Everywhere I looked…people walking small dogs. Everyone in aviators. Cute hair. Badass tattoos. Jeans and tanks tops galore. I had found my tribe, which was as surprising to this formerly mormon girl as it was to all my newfound friends that happened to be gay.
I know it’s only hair, clothes, external things. But that doesn’t make it superficial. If anything, being outwardly expressive of an inner feeling/passion/creativity is a really empowering way to be authentically you. And ironically, the more you clothe yourself in your style, the more naked you might feel by putting it all out there. It’s vulnerable to show yourself.
If you can do this, though, the quicker you can weed out the douchebags who will always have an opinion about how you look. I joke that having a shaved head is like walking around with a douche detector on my head. A guy I was seeing at the time looked me up and down when I unveiled my head and casually remarked, “So. When are you growing it back out?” And wow, in all the 5 months I knew him, it wasn’t until right then that I realized he was kind of a douche. The more you show yourself, the less amount of time you have to suffer fools. And, on the happy side, the more you show yourself the quicker you connect with other people who value and appreciate your self expression. It’s really a win/win.
I am so much happier in my connections and relationships the more authentic I am with myself. After a lifetime of feeling like I had to hide my true self in order to fit in, it’s fucking awesome to have a supportive network of people around me that encourage and embrace me for who I am…craziness and all. And others welcome me in to their craziness, and that’s when the real party starts.
There’s a post over at Breaking Daylight where she talks about her Superhero path, and what she’s found out about herself on it!
There’s also a post over at Eclectic Reality where she talks about the moment in her life when she started hiding her superhero self (all the way back in high school) and what it’s like for her now that she’s reconnecting to that power again.
And now, you must excuse me…I have packing to do. You better believe that all of us superheroes are stepping out in Vegas with our sparkly, long socked, aviator wearing, hula hooping selves! And we’re going to laugh, and play, and validate the shit out of each other! You are welcome to join along in your own way and in your own costumes and with your own friends. I’ll also be tweeting our debauchery, at least the parts that are fit to share.
Just remember, don’t stop till you get enough!
Share TweetSuperheroes In Training
All kinds of badass superhero pictures are popping up on the freeplaylife facebook page (click on the “everyone” tab to see them all!)…pictures that ladies (and men!) have made at this website to embody their inner and outer strength and awesomeness. The “Make Your Own Superhero” Challenge is here…have you made yours yet?!
Lots of people, me included, got our kids involved and helped them make their own superhero avatar too. I saw all three of my kids avatars next to my own and wished I had a sewing machine and the proper sewing knowledge to make the costumes that we’d chosen for our superheroes. The good thing about being unschoolers is that the “regular” population assumes we’re pretty crazy anyway, so it makes it that much more acceptable to not follow the norm. All I have to do is mouth “we’re unschoolers” and that explains everything. To the people who know what unschooling is, anyway. To the uninitiated then we’re the ones giving them the idea that unschooling = crazy. I love that.
So, yeah. In our street clothes, we look like this:
Even in our street clothes, we stand out. It might have something to do with three shaved heads and a girl with a rainbow mohawk walking around together.
I’m not naturally inclined to stand out like this. And it took me a while before I was OK to have my kids stand out like this. I was born and raised to understand that the most important things to be in life are normal, nice, and acceptable. And here we are walking around looking nothing like normal, nice, and acceptable people.
What made the difference? Finding my own superhero. Realizing that she’s always wanted to rock a shaved head. Realizing that she finds normal really boring and very depressing. I’ve kind of been a superhero in training the last couple years, and the more I listen to what it is that part of me wants, the better I get at making choices for myself. No one can hear that voice or make those choices for me…the path towards superherodom is paved with self reliance.
The superhero in me started seeing and honoring the superhero in everyone around me…including my kids. So when Naturalist said she wanted to shave her head too, I surrendered all my parental fears about her femininity, appearance, and maybe poor choice and allowed her to undertake her own superhero in training path. When Sassy said she wanted a rainbow mohawk (something she’s asked about since she was 2) I did the same. It’s never too early to embark on the path of the superhero!
You’ve never seen a kid so freaking happy about their hair. When it’s not in full mohawk mode, she looks like real life rainbow dash.
I’m not immune to the looks and stares, or to the points or whispers when we all walk by. Before I valued my inner superhero, I wouldn’t have let either daughter change their appearance like that. I would have been more like the people who have come up to tell me, “My daughter wants to shave her head, but I told her I’d kick her butt if she did!” When I asked the woman for more details, she said “well, you know, she’s a Mary Kay rep and she needs to look pretty!”
It’s amazing how clearly spelled out just how narrow our society’s vision of beauty is when you veer away from it in look, appearance, or style. It’s a powerful force, the idea of “normal” and “fitting in”. No one wants to be left out or ostracized, and no one wants that for their kids. It’s why parents pick out clothes for their children instead of letting them assemble something like rainboots with a tutu, checkered shirt and sequined vest. It’s why we are so invested in their hairstyles (I can’t count the number of times moms come up to me saying, “I would never let my kid do that”), fashion, attitudes, manners, sports, hobbies…etc., etc.
The best way we honor our own authentic voice is to follow our individual superhero path. Spiderman could never be Superman who could never be the Hulk.
The best way we honor our kids own authentic voice is to step back and allow them to follow their own individual superhero path.
Yes, they will make mistakes. Yes, so will you.
If what they want has no permanent consequences, then I leave it up to them. Hair, clothes, food, sleep…these are all things that superheroes in training need to figure out. I find ways to support their path while being realistic about the consequences. When Sassy said she wanted a rainbow tattooed across her face I suggested perhaps a marker rainbow would be better for now.
When Naturalist and her teenage mind go clothes shopping, the superhero in me–long socks, aviator glasses, feather earrings and all–recognizes that the superhero in her will need to explore and try lots of things before settling on her superhero outfit. Some of her choices I LOVE, and some I really can’t stand. But it goes both ways. She wasn’t fond of this sparkly number I picked out. And that’s OK. We’ve learned that superheroes don’t dress the same, but they all need an outfit. So we respect that even if we disagree about what makes a good superhero frock.
Respect that the people around you are, like you, superheroes trying to find their own powers. Especially your kids. After all, self reliance is one of the most powerful tools a superhero can equip themselves with. It takes trial and error. It takes courage to follow your inner voice rather than all the outer voices with other ideas…and to allow your child the same benefit. It takes trust in yourself and your kid.
Looking back down the way we’ve come, though, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Superheroes rock, and it’s never to early to start!
Share TweetFor Lent, I’m Giving Up Lent.
I think I’ll make Fat Tuesday an entire week and then skip the giving up of anything I enjoy for 40 days. I’ll see everyone on the flip side of that!
It’s not because I lack the willpower to go without something I love and enjoy for 40 days. I wasn’t raised Catholic, I was raised Mormon. And let me just say, it’s as if the LDS leadership got together back in the day and said, “hey, if those Catholics are proving how faithful and awesome they are by going without for 40 days, imagine how much more awesomer we’ll be by going without for our entire fucking lives!” Except replace “fucking” with “flipping”, ‘cuz we even go without swearing.
So…yeah. I was in a state of perpetual Lent for 36 years. No drinking, no smoking, no sex (except with appropriate marital partner!), no porn, no R rated movies, no swearing…I know what it takes to do without. To lean on God. To sacrifice for a higher idea/spiritual experience. To put off today for an idea of getting something more and maybe better later. Although now that I’ve had whiskey, I don’t know how much better it can get. So even though everything I’ve done since leaving my religion has put me squarely outside of a heavenly sphere I think I’m OK with that. I don’t want to go anywhere that Bourbon isn’t flowing freely like a fountain of fucking awesome.
I don’t mind if other people are religious. I was religiously religious for a long time! But I woke up one morning and realized that even if Heaven had candy trees, all you can eat chocolate dessert buffets every night, the ability to fly & breathe underwater, and nothing but peace and happiness for eternity…it still wouldn’t make up for spending my entire life miserable. And I was. Miserable. So fucking miserable. Probably because I couldn’t say the word fuck when I was fucking unhappy. I couldn’t say certain words to express myself. I couldn’t have some wine to take the pressure off for a few hours. I couldn’t unwind at certain movies. That’s not what drove my unhappiness, but it sure didn’t help. I mean, how was I supposed to know that I do my best cleaning after a whiskey & coke? Or that movies with outrageously inappropriate sexual innuendo would make me laugh so hard? Or that I’m much nicer after 5:30 pm if I’ve had a glass of wine? All these things make my life so much better!
My unhappiness came from not feeling like I could be myself without judgement. Because all those things that I couldn’t do…that God definitely didn’t like? I fucking loved them! Or, I would have, but I felt so badly about it that I never did any of it. I was told that was wrong wrong wrong. It was a quick leap between those things being wrong and ME being wrong wrong wrong for potentially liking them so much.
When I left my childhood faith, my life order switched quickly. Instead of sacrificing “now” in favor of a long term “heaven”, I’m kind of blowing off heaven in favor of an immediate now. Some in my family and friend circles are appalled, I know. You know in the bible when it says that the sinners say “eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die”…I don’t see what’s wrong with that. This makes me a sinner in their eyes, I guess. An outcast. But I’ve never felt more connected, more non judgemental, more compassionate, or more profoundly grateful. If now is all I’ve got, then it’s a valuable commodity. Life is rare and precious when it’s taken out of context of something even better coming on down the line at a later date. Without something better, then I feel really responsible to help make the moments I have count.
I still talk to God…it’s hard to stop praying if you’ve been taught to do it since birth. But instead of doing it out of fear and obligation, I do it to shoot the shit. I do it meaningfully, less like a prayer and more like those heartfelt talks that only seem to happen at dive bars at 3 am.
So, anyway, all that to say that my lifetime of Lent makes me exempt from any more time spent giving up something that makes me happy now. It means I don’t have extreme binges like Fat Tuesday, or an obsession with getting the next 40 days over with so I can do cool shit again. Instead, I remain content in the moment, neither wishing for it to go faster or slower.
I guess, in solidarity, I’ll do more drinking this week of my fat tuesday. And for the next month I’ll give up self loathing, shame, and guilt. How’s that? Anyone else on board?
Share Tweet52 Weeks To A Freeplaylife: Week 6!
Bitches! We have 2 weeks left to establish our superhero status. You are a superhero…have been since birth…but now’s your chance to really claim it this year. So far this month we’ve found our theme song and discovered a little more what our superhero garb is. Even if you’re still not sure about either of those things, the point is you’re on the lookout. As long as you’re aware of what you’re looking to find, things have a way of finding you out!
This week, challenge #6, is all about superhero tools.
Spiderman has his sticky strong web.
Thor has his mighty big hammer.
He Man has his hefty sword.
Batman has lots of things all over…fancy belt, cool car…he’s tricked out.
Wonder Woman has her lasso of truth. (wtf is that shit?!? I’ve always thought she got robbed, even when I was 9 and watching the Justice League. A lasso? That makes people tell her the truth?! Lame!)
What do you have to help you along on this journey through life?
What are the tools that helps your superhero ass out?
What does your superhero look like?
I’ve thought about this question for the last 2 years. It’s taken me about that long to figure it out, but I’ve never been accused of being a quick study. Do you want to see what my tools are? The things that keep me going on this freeplaylife path of awesome?
All I need:
badass Hula Hoop
chucks
hipster sunglasses (or some sweet aviator shades, but my last pair just broke)
long patterned socks
body glitter
DSLR camera
For whatever reason, my psyche has attached more than a surface meaning to these items. These give me a ridiculous amount of joy in my life, which I didn’t know until I started asking myself “what do you want? what makes you happy?” The same questions you’re asking yourself. If you don’t have the answers, like I didn’t at first, then do what I did: explore. push past your own comfort boundaries. say yes to experiences you’d normally say no to.
The year I spent in WeHo was a whirlwind of new sights and sounds. Mom’s night out up there in the big city consisted of drum circles, luchador wrestling , burlesque performances, tandem yoga on the beach, bar crawls, and back alley musical concerts. I’d never done any of that, but opened my life up in an attitude of yes and so decided to just jump in and try. I even took regular pole dancing classes that a friend offered. I didn’t continue with the pole when I moved down to the OC, but it’s where I learned about body glitter and that goes with me everywhere!
Your superhero tools will be things that you do just for you. They are the things that soothe you after a stressful day. They will fill you up with a happiness independent of what you’re doing, where you are, what has happened. They’re almost like security blankets, or a calm in the storm. Maybe you garden after a long day? Knit? Drink wine? Sing? Sew? Scrapbook? Take pictures? Draw/paint? Do yoga? Your tools would then be knitting needles, garden tools, a wine glass, a microphone, needles or yarn, scissors, a camera, and/or charcoal pencils/paintbrushes.
I hoop. I’ll talk more about it this week. But, my superhero tool is my hoop. When I’m hooping, time melts away. Stress melts away. I feel like I step into a protective bubble of awesome. I tap in to this thing called “flow” that is like floating down a peaceful river. This is what your tool(s) will help you feel like. Please note, your level of ability with your tool of choice can be craptacularly terrible and it still counts. It’s not how well you do with it, but just that you do it! If you feel pulled to sing, no matter what your voice sounds like, then sing. If you find calm and happy while drawing, then no matter how basic you are, just draw.
Some of you will automatically know what your tools are. Some of you, like me, won’t have a clue at first. Finding your superhero tool is a bit like falling in love…that crazy kind of overwhelming happiness that puts a spring in your step and gives you something to think about almost obsessively. You can’t wait to get your hands on it, and hate to leave when you have to.
Don’t settle for anything less than that. Things that make you feel like that are transformative catalysts that lead to powerful personal growth. And that’s what we’re after this year. Whimsy! Patience! Joy! Acceptance! Understanding! Awesome!
Think about that this week.
Right now, though, go make yourself a superhero.
Remember how we assbooked? Now it’s time for superherobooking. Make your superhero and then make that your profile picture. Unlike all those other puny superheroes in the comic books, we aren’t going to hide ourself behind a disguise. We’re going to show people what we’re made of.
My superhero looks like this:
Her name is Octohoopa.
I laugh every time I see her, especially after commenting on friends pages on facebook.
When you make yours and have it up as a profile picture, give a shout out on the freeplaylife facebook page so I can check your badass superhero out!
Share TweetKe$ha Is Right.
We are almost one full month complete through the Freeplaylife 52 Week Challenge! By now you might be saying to yourself,
“wtf!”
as in
“what does dressing like a superhero, compiling a playlist of songs, talking about what I want, remembering who I was, and showing my ass to the free world have to do with anything?! I didn’t sign up for this!”
It’s true no one really signed up for this little experiment, I kinda blog blitzed you with it. I also might have said if you didn’t do this you “were dead to me”, and that was kind of harsh. But since the beginning of January, over 500 people have signed up and joined in…ass picture and all! I think what people–you–are responding to is that I really really don’t want this to be a self help “thing”. I want it to be a celebration, bitches! I realized last year, after reading lots and lots of messages from people asking how to have the kind of attitude and life I talk about here at freeplaylife, that there isn’t a magical formula. And the answer is so simple it will shock and awe you.
You already are freeplaylife. All the fun, whimsy, patience, excitement, joy, and positivity is already part of you. Have you ever held a newborn baby in your arms? Maybe your own child? And in that moment, you realized how complete and perfect they were. Just laying there, not doing shit. Maybe hiccuping. Eyes unfocused, legs not able to walk, hands not able to draw or write or paint, mouth unable to talk…and yet, they are perfectly who they are supposed to be. That is you. Just, bigger now.
It’s not about what you do or don’t do. What you look like or don’t look like. You are a bigger picture than your details. To paraphrase the distinguished Ke$ha, you R who U R!
In fact, being ‘freeplaylife’ is so much a part of you that I don’t want you to change who you are at all, ever. What I want in these challenges is to help you remember who that is. What you want. How you feel. What makes you happy. How to get that for yourself. These challenges are geared towards helping you step out of the cycles of shame, grief, fear, and doubt that so often distort the lenses that you use to see yourself and the world around you. You are the key to unlocking the cages that are holding you back. Respect it!
When you can do this for yourself, it will be natural for you to encourage that in the people around you. Your relationships will take on extra depth and compassion. Patience and joy will flow. You will find a wellspring of awesome at your fingertips.
This whole year is going to be full of funny, silly, and ridiculous. I’ve found this is the best way to access the profound, deep, dark, difficult parts of ourselves we’d rather leave hidden. Those are the parts that keep you resistant to a powerfully positive life. Anyone who assbooked realized how true that is. So ridiculous to put a picture of your ass on facebook…and yet so much more than that. Hitting the ‘share’ button was probably really intense, because underneath the silly is the question…do I accept myself? Am I ashamed of myself? Do I want others to really see me? Can I do this?
It’s the feeling of riding a roller coaster…there’s no way you would get on top of a building and leap off just for the thrill, the only thing that makes it tolerable is how safely fun it is in an amusement park.
Consider your life is the amusement park, and get ready to go on some rides!
**These challenges are designed for anyone to join in at any time from where we’re at. Start on the current week, then take some time to look back at past challenges to work on as the mood strikes! Thanks to everyone who is sharing this 52 weeks challenge on twitter and facebook as well as uploading self portraits with the tag #fplphoto !**
Week One: Listen to what you need. Then get it.
Week Two: Others can’t see you if you don’t see yourself first. So start by taking self portraits!
Week Three: Go back and remember what you were like growing up. Find that playful kid and bring her along on your journey.
Week Four: Find a theme song to remind you that you are a badass superhero!
Week Five: Find what things you’d like to wear that complete your superhero costume. What’s your style?!
Dress You Up In My Love!
Can clothes really lead to enlightenment? Does what we wear affect how we feel? Is it possible to get tired of Madonna singing this song?
Yes, yes, and no.
Literally, maybe not. Like, clothes don’t literally take us to nirvana. Unless you’re talking about wearing these fierce pair of Steve Madden heels which manage to be both sky high AND as comfortable as sneakers. But when approached from a certain state of mind, clothes are to our outside body what fruits and veggies are to our inner body…nourishing and a real energy boost. When you are wearing something that speaks to you, like my rainbow socks do to me, then you carry that feeling with you into the rest of your day.
When I decided to focus on buying/wearing things that I connect to, I notice that it really does make a difference. Especially because I need to supplement my closet with second hand store and Target items that are more functional that inspirational. But when I pair them with something I love, like my octopus necklace or favorite pair of socks, then they get elevated to a happier level. My life has been elevated to a happier level, actually, once I found a fashion sense that spoke to me.
It took me a while to get myself to my own fashion statement. Like I mentioned before, I let my mom dress me well into college. And then once I had young kids I didn’t have time to care about it, which was just fine with me since it was so intimidating anyway. So there I was, 36 years old, before I found the magical connection to loving clothes and using them as a powerful form of self expression.
Here’s the thing…it takes a strongly developed sense of self to have a really strongly developed sense of style. The beautifully fun thing is that one can lead to the other, and if getting to know yourself is a struggle then do it the other way around. Find what you like to put on yourself and you will quickly find it connects to something you learn about yourself on the inside.
Don’t get frustrated, start small. Many of you took your ass out shopping for new panties before you did all the assbooking. Perfect! Etsy has so many little trinkets to wear for between $15-25 dollars…a camera ring. An animal necklace. Symbol earrings. Cute patterned tights. Instead of freaking out about not being able to put a whole outfit together without panicking, start with a specific body part and find something for it. Cute gloves, a headband, a belt…anything! I started with a skull bikini, which was one of the first things I bought because I loved it and it spoke to me.
Then, the rainbow socks. Then long socks in general, which I discovered look really nice with cute shorts or a lacy flowing dress. And then it built upon itself from there. You can see the combination in most of the pins I’ve put up on pinterest. And then, a year later…BAM! My very own style. It’s just as easy to pull on a pair of leggings, long socks, and flowy dress and feel *myself* as it is to pull on sweats, a t shirt, flip flops** and feel *meh*. **not that there’s anything wrong with this, if it’s your style. LOL. I’m just saying, it’s not my style and I feel *meh* about wearing that particular ensemble!
Ask a friend whose sense of style you admire more about how they pick things out. Ask them to be a personal shopper when you go out to treat yourself to something! I realize getting a brand new wardrobe overnight is unrealistic, but start with an article at a time. And remember, pinning inspirational clothes/accessories to pinterest is totally free but just as capable at developing at ‘style’!
This challenge is about taking your life and elevating it up a notch or 10. Going from ordinary to extraordinary. You, my dear bitches are already uberextraordinary, so there’s no reason why your clothes shouldn’t be too!
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