The Birth of A Homeschooler!
You guys!!! We have the rare opportunity to watch the birth of a new homeschooler. Naturally, it will be a home birth. And my good friend Jen, who is both doing the birthing AND being born, has invited us all in to watch the process happen! She’s already been laboring for a good 4-5 years now, doing that dance with the school system of both trying to fit your kid into something that they don’t while also trying to encourage your kid to be themselves. While also trying to keep from going crazy. While trying to maintain a running household. While trying to figure out what the hell is going on.
Support is such an important thing when shifting into homeschooling, so I wanted to create a space for her new endeavor here so we could all encourage, offer insights, even ask our own questions about things. The world of home education is a great big vast area, and she still doesn’t know where she’s going to end up…with a curriculum? Without one? Back in a charter/private school?
What is your advice for a new homeschooler? Leave it in the comments or on the freeplaylife facebook page!
We’ve got our very own reality TV show right here, ladies and gentlemen!
Take it away, Jen!
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Sooo…what happens when a Type A first-born ungodly organized linear thinking mostly-
conformist former music teacher finally breaks down and decides to homeschool her
twice-exceptional Type A first-born ungodly disorganized visual spatial complex out-of-
the box son?
Beats hell outta me. And it’s my life.
I met Tiffani a few years ago through our blogs, then learned we lived in the same
tiny little town outside Boulder. She was homeschooling her three kids, living in the most
gorgeous house in the world (sorry Tiff, still love your house), and had hair. Long hair.
Lots of it. I was nowhere near homeschooling. My sons were doing well in public
school…mostly…and while I always kept homeschooling in mind as a OMFG LAST
RESORT, it was so far off the radar as to be invisible.
She invited me to a math morning at her house one day, and I went, just to see what
homeschooling could look like. It was, as you might imagine, awesome. Eclectic
learning with They Might Be Giants on YouTube and building elaborate geometric
creations from marshmallows and toothpicks. And hot chocolate. Because it was cold
out.
Another day, two-odd years ago, my boys and I met her and her crew at the Denver Art
Museum (or as my oldest likes to say, DAM…so he can “swear”). And what I most
noticed was how laid-back all four of them were about the day. I was prepped to drag
my boys through various exhibits, show them some art (sorry, I grew up in Chicago and
went to the Art Institute, DAM couldn’t compete), and probably end up with a van of
grumpy people heading home. They were engaged in laid-back, but not lacking,
learning. There was plenty of learning going on that day, it was just…relaxed. I may not
be relaxed…yet…but I like relaxed.
Fast forward to today. Tiffani is now living in California, we’re all living in Chicago. The
new school here was unable to accommodate our son and his (see the description
above) challenges. They tried, God love his teacher she tried, but the situation was
getting uglier by the day. I’m certain that if we’d continued with the district’s special ed
evaluation he would have “earned” an Emotional Disorder label. In fifth grade.
No thanks.
We’ve just begun this Great Homeschooling Journey, and already the stress level in the
House of Chaos has dropped. While we’re still in the deschooling stage, I can already
see my son coming out of the box into which school shoved him. The child who so
hated writing that he would have preferred to de-skunk the dog with his tongue has
written a story two days in a row. He loves that it’s quiet, and that he can concentrate,
and that learning is fun again. His younger brother? Still in public school. He’s doing
well there, and frankly, he needs the opportunity to be known as someone other than
“A’s little brother.” Jury’s still out as to when or even if we bring him home too.
Tiff has asked if I would mind being the “face” of a new homeschooler here, and have
you all follow along on this journey. Dude, get on board. This is new and exciting, but I
am also terri?ed that I am totally going to screw up my kid. I mean, even more than I
already have. While I have researched the hell outta this, it’s like giving birth. You can
read all the books you want, but the kid hasn’t read them and wouldn’t honey badger
give a shit if he had.
So there ya go. I’m looking forward to meeting all of you, maybe picking your brains
(brrraaaiinnnnssss…), and giving my son a more personalized education than the one
he was getting.
Oh, and for P.E.?
Hooping. Naturally.
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Jen writes over at Laughing at Chaos, where every day is just a little crazier than the
day before. You can also ?nd her…sometimes…on Twitter.
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Don’t forget to leave any and all words of wisdom for a new homeschooler in the comments or on the freeplaylife facebook page!
Thanks, Steve Jobs.
I check my news exactly twice each day…once when I wake up and once when I go to bed. I read my news from sources all over the internet, and never watch it on TV for the simple reason that I’m a titch sensitive to visual imput. What I can read and digest easily via the internet will send me into a tailspin of despair and hysterical crying via the television. Tonight, though, I cried a little when I read that Steve Jobs had passed away today.
I’m sitting here surrounded by all sorts of Apple products…MacBook Pro, ipads, ipods, iphone, etc. etc., and am trying to quantify the ways that he ushered in a giant step off the beaten path for the world around me….around all of us.
Apple came out with an ad that coincided with us deciding to pull our round pegged daughter out of the square holed school system. We watched it over and over that first year, and it was one of the few strands of hope I clung to while in that initial phase between “Yay! We’re advocating for ourselves now! We’re FREE!” and “OMG what the **** did I just do?! We’re SCREWED!”
It was my favorite inspirational thing to sit and watch with the kids, until Steve Jobs gave the commencement speech at Stanford. It was forwarded to me, so I started watching it in my bed when I heard him say, “I’m honored to be with you today for your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. Truth be told, I never graduated from college and this is the closest I’ve ever gotten to a college graduation.” I knew it was going to be something special, so I called for the kids to come in, and we snuggled together to watch it. Sure enough, his speech changed my life even more than the ipod nano.
The title? “How to Live Before You Die”
If you haven’t seen it already, stop what you’re doing and watch. it. right. now! And if you have seen it, but it’s been a while, stop what you’re doing and watch. it. right. now.
He has three key points that have stayed with me ever since hearing them.
1) “you can’t connect the dots looking forward. You can only connect them looking backwards, so you have to trust that the dots right now will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something–your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever–because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart, even when it leads you off the well-worn path, and that will make all the difference.”
2) “You’ve got to find what you love, and that is as true for work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work, and the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking, and don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it, and like any great relationship it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking. Don’t settle.”
3) “For the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself, “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “no” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something. Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important thing I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life, because almost everything–all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure–these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”
As a family with pretty much exclusive Apple products in our home, Steve’s legacy is a huge one. But not as big as the ideas and words in that commencement address. Those were catalysts that sparked my determination to play by our own rules and encourage everyone to follow their own paths, as scary as that sounded.
Thank you Steve, wherever you are. Not just for the things that we have because of your vision, but thanks for being who you were and following your own path so very authentically.
The Lesson of the Parking Spaces.
While at the Good Vibrations Unschooling Conference a couple weeks ago, I met up with some awesome families and we went out to an awesome dinner together. I was hungry and in a rush to sit down and start shoving food in my face, so when I parked I did it…haphazardly. I was still in between my stall lines (marginally) but was definitely a little tilted compared to everyone else parked there. I don’t have a picture, but it looked like this, with the lines representing cars:
I I I I / I I I I
guess which one I was?
Sara laughed at me and asked if I was really going to leave it like that, and I laughed at her for thinking there was even a chance I’d spend 3 more minutes re-parking when there was good food 5 feet away. We walked in, I indeed stuffed my face, we talked and laughed, and walked out an hour later. The parking lot was transformed. Now, the cars all looked like this:
/ / / / / / / / /
My wonky slanted parking orientation was the new standard. It really started me thinking. Now, if someone came in and parked straight, it would throw off the mojo of the rest of us, who just an hour or so earlier would have thrown off the mojo of the straight parked people. So fluid and variable!
This is true not just in parking stalls, but in our interactions with people in life. If we have thoughts, ideas, interests, style, or activities that are perceived as a little slanted by “normal” society, then we stand out. We throw off the mojo of the people around us. We get laughed at, or maybe even a nasty note on our symbolic side window saying something like, “LEARN TO PARK, ASSHOLE!” We stand out as being different. Sometimes we take the time to reorient ourselves to be more like how everyone else is parking so as not to make a fuss or heaven forbid make things difficult for other people.
Well…today I’m calling bullshit on that.
I’m encouraging you to park a little wonky if you want, in real life AND symbolically speaking.
For a long time, I didn’t talk a lot about our unschooling life to people. I hid it as best I could! In our home, I believed in positive, attached parenting, passion driven learning, saying yes instead of no, & ditching rules and punishments in favor of principles and communication. I didn’t live a life like everyone around me. My kids ate what they wanted when they wanted it, didn’t go to school and didn’t have compulsory curriculum. They were responsible for making choices about their bodies and what they did with them…bedtimes, get up times, activity times, etc. We partnered up together to help craft a life that everyone was happy about, whether we agreed with what the person was wanting/needing or not. We focused on unconditional love and trust. All these things are still important for us, almost 6 years later!
It’s amazing how something so intuitive to me is looked at as so neglectful and harmful to some people I meet. It’s hard to pull my figurative car up and park confidently wonky next to a straight “normal” parking job. So for a while I parked wonky in my own garage, but would straighten out when in public. That way I could appear like everyone else, and not get the nasty messages on my window.
But, in the words of Stevie Nicks, time’s made me bolder…even children get older…
Now, I couldn’t hide what we do or how I feel if I wanted to. Which I don’t. Instead of letting other people influence the way I live (or, in this analogy, park), I’ve reversed it and am willing to stand out and maybe influence how other people live (park, whatever.) Life can be simplified as such.
Are you being influenced, or doing the influencing?
Chances are, if you’re reading this blog, you are awesome and a little wacky. Probably not quite right in the head. Most definitely off the beaten path. It’s what I love most about you. The reasons for this may vary from person to person, but the end result is a whole bunch of awesome! So be awesome. Share and talk about what you do in your life and why you do it. Embracing your authenticity keeps it growing and developing!
Chances are, even if you start out going against the grain at first, you’ll find that eventually you can play a large part of changing what the grain is to the people around you!
Share TweetTribe Qwest!
Remeber back in your early years, when you would go to all kinds of camps and after school activities? Art camp, drama camp, horse camp, math camp, band camp, etc. And all kinds of special interest things after school. One of my favorite things to go to after my daily routine in High School was for Amnesty International. I would sit with other like minded kids and write letters (hand write them! No computers! Or email! This was on actual paper! With actual stamps!) to various places that were violating human rights. I’d put Sting’s “Dream of the Blue Turtles” cassette into my walkman and daydream that I’d write such an amazing letter one day it would capture the attention of Bono and he’d write a song for me and let me touch his “With or Without You” styled long hair.
*sigh*
Anyhoo…back to what I was talking about.
What was I talking about?!
Oh, right. Camps. Activities. These are like modern day tribes. Places where there are groups of people sitting (playing, standing, running, drawing, etc) around with similar interests. Our parents found these places for us, and now we find them for our kids. It’s what keeps us driving around in our minivans long past the point that we want to be driving around in our minivans! Some of my best friendships happened in camps and after school groups. They were the only places where I could look around and know that I had at least one thing in common with everyone there. I didn’t feel so alone in the world. Understanding happened quicker and communication was easier with a common bond.
Then we grow up and up, get jobs, maybe get married, have kids, get a houseful of pets and things to take care of. We start worrying about how to get stains out of whites instead of finishing a water color portrait we started the day before. In the juggle to manage time and responsibilities, often the first thing to go is our own personal interests. Especially if they take money and evenings away from home. And then one day you turn around a realize that you’ve been wearing the same dirty shirt 3 days in a row and have only spoken to your kids, hubby, and goldfish in that time.
Well, no more! Awesomequest 2011 is all about reconnecting with a tribe again. People who also enjoy, support, encourage, and embrace something that is important to you! You may already be doing this if you are a part of some kind of club or grassroots gathering…something with a special interest like knitting, cooking, reading, quilting, drinking wine, running, biking, etc., etc. Mom’s Night Out is also fun! Facebooking is a fun distraction, but doesn’t count for this particular focus. It must be in person! Preferably out of your house, with just you and a sassy purse (not diaper bag!) in tow. If it’s been a few weeks since you did something like this, then call up a friend and start planning. If it’s been a few months, then take a shower, go to a store STAT, buy a new dress, and take yourself immediately out to…well….outside. Anywhere. It’s not important WHERE you go, but THAT you go. OUT!
I’m blogging this because I just got back this past weeend from Good Vibrations Unschooling Conference in San Diego, and it was such a great feeling of togetherness and awesomeness I can’t even describe it! Which isn’t going to stop me from trying…it’ll just take me another day to process it all before I summarize it.
It reinforced something I’ve been mulling about in my mind for a while. Which is…finding your voice and a place in the world takes effort. It takes focus and drive. It takes commitment and determination. And most importantly it takes a tribe! A tribe is good for inspiration, and also for celebrating who you are and what you do. A tribe is support, encouragement, and a family that you get to choose.
So get out there and start choosing! Nothing is better for getting out of a rut, reinventing yourself, starting out on a new path, and/or becoming more authentically you than surrounding yourself with a tribe of people with similar goals and interests! Tribes…not just for kids!
Backroad Learning.
Back to School is starting up again, all around the country. Before 5 years ago, I never would have conceived I wouldn’t be taking part in it…I mean, Back to School is a huge rite of passage in our country. It’s a national event! Stores gear up for it, commercials on TV talk about it, parents eagerly await it after spending *gasp* a whole summer with their children. School is unquestionably the path one puts their kids on if one wants productive, smart, well behaved and successful kids. It’s the fast track to success! The highway to a one size fits all, standardized learning curriculum that has been approved by experts across all fields. All you have to do is get on and make sure you don’t run out of gas…you’ll be guaranteed to arrive at the destination in an efficient, speedy manner! At one point in time, this idea was soothing to me. Kind of a fail safe, a catch all, a safety net.
The problem is, safety nets are only handy if you’ve fallen. Fail safe and catch all’s are designed to work after nothing else has. Highways get you from point A to point B quickly, but skip all the stuff in between. And after a decade of trying to figure out school/standardization/curriculum, I’ve decided that it’s the stuff in between that is most valuable for learning. If you get rid of the interesting stuff, the cool stuff, the unique stuff, the quirky stuff, the off the beaten path stuff, then what’s the point? What’s the good of learning anything if you’re bored and don’t even care.
I’m serious about my kids, but have let go of the idea of straight paths, safety nets, a fast track; and have substituted all that with windy back roads and something more like a trampoline. I don’t want them to be caught if they fail, fall, or otherwise spin out. I want them to land on something that will launch them back up again in the direction they came from. Or a different direction altogether. I don’t want them to have to stop and take driving test after driving test or pay toll after toll. I want them to get in their car and drive wherever inspiration takes them!
Driving Route 66 was a very physical analogy for our learning journey. It took me 6 days on the slower Route to reach a destination that I could have gotten to in 3 days on the highway. But! The experience was totally different. I saw beautiful things and crazy things and broken down things and sometimes absolutely nothing. I got lost and made wrong turns. I ended up at a dead end more than once. Didn’t matter. When your journey is the destination, there is no such thing as a wrong turn or getting lost anyway. The experience drives the learning, and vice versa. I drove a coke truck. Saw a giant wiener (a lot of giant wieners, actually). A covered bridge that was turned into a blue whale. Most of those pictures were stolen along with my camera bag…but some weren’t if they were on my iphone:
I’ll never forget what I learned and saw along the way. People kept asking me, along the 12 day drive, if I was tired. But how could I be tired? I woke up every day excited to see what I’d find, and went to bed at night exhausted but wired, thinking about everything I’d seen. I felt like what it must be like to be 4…you know that crazy annoying age where your kids never seem to sleep? I found out what that’s from. Sheer excitement and learning. It’s beautiful.
This is what I want for my kids. It’s what we do as unschoolers. Get off the beaten path and take the back roads to learning. We’ve driven all over the country, gone to all kinds of parks, museums, historical markers, amusement parks, etc. We’ve meandered here and there, taking our time to investigate and explore thoughts, ideas, feelings, and communities.
I’m happy to NOT be part of the Back to School camp just yet.
Someday they’ll want to pursue a higher interest. Golfer has already started talking about transitioning into a real high school so he can do sports and take the traditional academic route into college. But for now, for this time in their lives, I’m happy that their childhood is uniquely theirs to explore and meander through. I watch them learn not only the 3 R’s, but also about life, living, happiness, joy, discovery, hardship, confusion, frustration, working hard, dedication, and curiosity. All in their own way, doing their own things, driving down their own path. To me, this is not only what childhood is about, but also the very foundation for a lifetime of awesome learning.
So Happy Not Back To School, for those of you celebrating not sending your kids off to school!
And also, happy Back To School for those of you celebrating sending your kids to school, if that’s your path!
My advice is the same for both groups..don’t forget to explore the back roads with your kids whenever you can. Take time for the meandering paths of thought, creativity, whimsy, spur of the moment inspiration. Chances are, those experiences are what they’ll end up remembering and learning from the most!
Strangers and Roads.
To begin to document the start of my trip, I’ll start at the very end…on a pier, beside a booth, talking with a man, in Santa Monica. Route 66 stretches from Santa Monica to Chicago…it’s had a few different ending points that defaulted to Santa Monica since everyone who had driven from as far away as Chicago kept on driving through to the coastal warmth of Southern California anyway!
While my trip started out as one big joyride, I quickly realized that it took on a kind of epic symbolism that I didn’t understand before heading out. The beautiful thing about traveling in any form is that often this is the case. One little trip to somewhere new and unexplored quickly turns into a discovery of things in our very own selves!
I was thinking about this as I finished my drive at the Pier in Santa Monica. I walked past a kiosk with Route 66 memorabilia and stopped. The only souvenirs I’d picked up on the entire trip were all the pictures and videos I took along the way, and since those were long gone thanks to the Pirates d’ Taos, I felt nostalgic to bring home something. A Route 66 T-shirt, or a pin, or a snowglobe, or even a shot glass (which matches well with the default name of the Tour d’ Awesome: Tour d’ Drunk).
I picked out my items and talked to the guy working the kiosk. I told him about my trip then asked if he’d been on the Route. He indicated that one of the prerequisites of working there was to drive at least part of 66 so he could talk to the custormers about it. I asked if he’d ever wanted to drive it before doing so, and he started telling me a little about his life.
Incidentally, something I love about talking with strangers is that if I am not in a hurry and in a mind to listen, I end up with a treasure of an experience. This was no different!
Here is A., and here is his part of a story:
He grew up in Egypt. He liked it alright, but was always bothered by the sameness of it. As in, everyone was expected to do the same things. Eat the same food, wear the same clothes, think the same thoughts, say the same words. He described growing up like going the wrong way on a one way street…everyone noticing, pointing, getting angry….and how he always felt he stood out by wanting to be different. He took his first trip to America when he was 19. He was supposed to stay with family friends, but when an emergency came up he ended up spending his time alone walking around New York City. “The thing about being here” he said, “is that everyone is driving their own way down the road. You can do anything here! Think what you want, eat what you want, be who you want. You can decide that. It’s so different in Egypt!” 3 years ago he got a work visa and flew to Los Angeles. Not knowing anyone didn’t make any difference at all. He then had odd jobs here and there, one of them working at the Route 66 kiosk. This led to him taking a trip on 66 and “discovering a real kind of America you don’t see in big cities”.
I asked him what his family thought of his adventures and individuality, and he paused for a while.
Then he started talking again. “I always listen to my family, my friends, my parents. Especially my mom. She wants me to be happy, and has a lot of advice for how I can be the happiest and do my best…” he hesitated, not wanting to sound critical but also wanting to speak his truth. “The thing is, though, they all only know THEIR way to be happy. Their advice is from THEIR experiences and is how to get what THEY want. The problem is, I’m not them, and they haven’t been or seen the things I have. They don’t know what advice is best for me, only I know that.”
And then he said something that resonated with me so completely I shivered, even in the 90 degree heatwave.
“It’s like driving on the Route. If that road is my life, then I’ve got to drive it. My friends, my family, my mom are all in Egypt. What do they know of a road in America? A road that’s not even a road anymore, actually. A road that isn’t even marked for most of the way. Have they been on the road? Can they help me take the right turns? Not really. In this way, their advice isn’t helpful. Their support and love is wonderful to get me along my path, but they have no advice that will help me stay on the path. For that, I have to make my decisions. I have to do what is right for me. Because they just can’t know this if they aren’t or have never been where I want to go.”
And aaaaaaaaaaah, that’s just it, isn’t it? That’s become my parenting philosophy, that’s a large reason why I love unschooling so much, and it’s been a huge part of my self discovery the past 2 years.
Everyone has their own road to follow in this life. And as much as I’d love to help lead and direct other people down their roads, I fall way short of really understanding what their best route is. Until recently, I didn’t even know what MY best route was! As a mom and a friend, the best I can do is offer support, love, encouragement, my own advice…and then sit back and watch them travel along. I hope I can help my kids find their inner strength, confidence, path. I don’t want my kids depending on other people to tell them what their route is. Even me. I might take them to the desert when really they’d be so much happier at the ocean. I know so many people who listen and follow other people’s advice and then end up at 30-something in a job they don’t like living in a house they don’t want with a lifestyle they didn’t actively choose. It’s not pretty.
I enjoyed the conversation with A. It mirrored perfectly what my own experience with Route 66 developed into…a visual allegory of pathways and choices and individuality and wandering and being lost and just life in general.
read moreThe Buffet Of Life.
When I lived in Las Vegas, there was one thing I loved to do. And it wasn’t gambling. Or going to strip clubs. Or hopping on a pole myself. Or visiting brothels. (Good heavens, I’m glad I don’t live in Vegas anymore.) I loved to hit up cheap buffets at all the different hotels. Here I am, living in the land of the free, and nowhere do I feel like I’m exercising that right more than when I’m standing in front of table after table of delicious food…all for my taking. Freedom of choice, right there.
Do I want all dessert? All pasta? To start with the seafood then make my way counter clockwise through each station? Maybe start with the roast beef and move onto mexican before finishing with a small salad? It’s probably not totally sane the amount of joy I get from choosing how, what, when, where, and how much different foods I get to eat whenever I eat a buffet style meal. Often I will plan to be there hours and hours so I can eat, digest, and chat until I get hungry…and then do it all over again. Indulge and gorge are two words I’d use to describe my dining experience.
I was reminded of this today when Sassy and I went to a frozen yogurt bar. They have 15 different frozen yogurts to choose from, and then 34059803498 different toppings to put on top. You pay by the ounce. Indulge and gorge are two words I’d use to describe her there, making her way down the frozen yogurt and topping lines.
This is what I want for her life. A giant buffet of choices, experiences, and decisions. I want her so engaged and interested in the selections to choose from that she can barely stand still. I want her to run from thing to thing, investigating and comparing and taste testing until she’s sure of herself and what she wants. To me, this is the purpose of childhood! So that by the time you leave the house, you are sure of who you are, how you operate, and what you like.
Sometimes I’m tempted to over-manage a little bit. Tell her what combination works best with lemon yogurt….yes to gummi bears, no to brownies, definitely not to caramel. I want to jump in and get her serving size since I know she’ll get way to much. I wish I could make some things off limits because they’re heavier and more expensive to my checkbook. But at the end of the day I remember that my opinions are based on my own experience, which are based on my own preferences. She has her own preferences, and needs her own experiences to make her own opinions. Sometimes she’ll learn in positive ways, and sometimes she’ll learn by mistakes. On this particular day, she made some kind of frankenstein-ian looking concoction:
I would have puked if I’d had to eat that. But she loved it. She didn’t eat it all, which I figured she wouldn’t. But instead of telling her I told you so, I happily paid the extra $2 to have her learn for herself just how much is too much next time.
This self determination is at the core of our unschooling, and why it works so well for us. I love sitting back and watching my kids craft out their own lives. Eating, sleeping, clothes, music, activities, interests…it’s all one big buffet. It’s freedom, it’s choice, it’s exciting, it’s our lives!
A Life of Yes.
It wasn’t too long ago that I found myself perched on top of a hippogriff (half horse, half bird), wearing a full coat of armor complete with pointy shoes. It is a ridiculous idea and a ridiculous situation…so outside the realm of normal or what’s to be expected in daily life, but there I was! I’ve always wanted to ride a hippogriff. Ever since I was 11 and started reading Piers Anthony and other science fiction/fantasy books! And why was I there? Actually, that’s not important. It’s not the “real issue” at the center of this post. What the “real issue” here is, is that life is full of magical surprises around every corner. Kind of like driving the Oregon coast, actually, but longer.
In short, life is completely and totally unfathomable and wild! It’s all a part of her beauty and charm, I think.
And yet. And yet. People! The older we get the more we try to fathom and tame her. What’s worse, we try to get our kids to fathom and tame her, too. I know this because parents and other people tell me this every day. I’m not shy about being an unschooler, and people aren’t shy about telling me what they think about it. I welcome the exchange.
In all my 6 years of doing this, I have heard a lot of reasons for why I should have my kids in school. Here’s a run down:
*only school can prepare a child for ‘real life’
*my kids need to learn to control themselves and sit still.
*my kids need to learn to follow direction from authority.
*my kids need to learn how to deal with rules, grades, and authority so they will fit into society better.
*my kids need to learn how to fail so they handle disappointment.
*my kids need to know that life isn’t about them.
*my kids need to know that life isn’t all fun and games and doing whatever they want.
*my kids need to learn that life is a lot of work.
I wish I were kidding about this. I wish I could put in there that people felt school was important because they learned so much amazing information there. That my kids needed to be in school for a free exchange of ideas and knowlege. That school was a place that fosters individual growth that they want my kids to have.
Instead, they are reacting to the idea that the open, free, happy, joyful, passion filled, interest driven space the kids and I have created in our lives is somehow false. A la-la land. A construct that won’t last past when my kids are old enough to get into the “real world”…as if the world we’re living in now isn’t real but pretend.
I call bullshit.
It seems 2011 is “year of calling bullshit”, and so I’m calling it. Hard. On all that nonsense.
I mean really. If we want kids to know that life is all work and hardship, then there is more we could be doing to foster that. We could buy our kids ice cream cones and then smack it out of their hands after the first lick. We could catch a butterfly, show it to them, and then smash it between our hands. We could buy their favorite candy and then make them watch us eat it without sharing any. Right?!
There is a lot I don’t know. There’s some stuff I think I know. And then there’s a little bit of stuff I really truly understand. And this is one of those things: Our life is our own creation. Our kids lives will be their own creation. And not to be cliche, but the possibilities are endless. I’ve discovered that I’d had the law of allowing all wrong. I thought it was a lot like wishing for something, but wishing implies that something doesn’t exist that you hope would. Allowing is different. It implies that something does already at this very moment exist, and all you have to do is say yes to it.
In this town I live in, there’s a guy who runs a deli, but his passion is soda. There are literally hundreds of soda bottles in every style and flavor, and he knows each one. There’s a haberdasher who wears a zoot suit and bowler hat and sells things like mustaches on sticks and old typewriters, but he loves hats of all kinds. I see him sweeping outside his storefront every Saturday. I asked, and both of them were told as kids, “Stop dreaming! You can’t make a living on soda/fancy hats!” and yet they have. They’ve made themselves a life that no one believed in except themselves. They said yes.
I bet there are tons of kids out there hearing “Stop dreaming! You have to do homework/take this test/get good grades/sit at school all day/learn this stuff/pay attention/stop playing so many video games! You can’t make a living if you don’t!”
I wish I could show them all what I’ve seen and experienced, especially after getting back from the Life Is Good Conference. A world where kids don’t do homework, are free to play as much video games as they want, who will never take a test or be made to write a paper. Kids who grow up without sitting at a desk or memorizing meaningless facts.
Far from being compromised when they reach adulthood, they have set themselves up for a life far richer and more fulfilling than what they would have if they’d given up on their passions and interests in lieu of some standardized form of acceptable dreaming. They go on to have productive adult lives doing whatever it is they’re passionate about. They have lived and will continue to live a life of yes, without a lot of interfering “no” from outside sources.
My kids have a life of yes, unless I’m PMS’ing in which case it’s all no, no, no until I recover. And because I’ve been able to say yes to my kids, I’ve been able to say yes to my own neglected self. Saying yes to all my dreams no matter how silly or improbable. And that is how I ended up on a hippogriff.
Say yes more, and see what happens to you! Say yes to your kids more, and see what happens to them!
Christmas Card Neurosis.
A large part of unschooling is about accepting your kids for who they are and not pressuring them to be whoever you or someone else (school/society/friends/family/etc.) may want them to be. It’s about letting them have the freedom to express/create/investigate/say/do/think/feel everything they want without fear of being punished/shamed/unvalidated/misunderstood. Unschooling is all about authenticity in thought, word, and action….fostering this both in yourself and in your children. This is a lofty goal and an awesome ideal to shoot for in my day to day life. But there is one thing that sabotages me from doing this every time I come across it.
The trouble always starts out on roadtrips. It’s not the traveling though. And it’s not deciding where to go and what to see. Yeah, art museums and libraries are fine and well and totally educational, but if my kids would rather tour a chocolate museum and see kitschy 20 foot tall Presidential busts that’s all good and educational too! But then we get to an iconic place, usually something amazing and photographic like the Grand Canyon, Old Faithful, or most recently Haystack Rock off the Oregon coast.
At these places, my camera comes out (rather, lifts up, since it’s never put away but always hanging around my neck) and my need for a group picture of my kids overtakes me. Mainly because I want to print it up and put in on a christmas card to send out. Simple enough, except I get manic and rabid about it. At first, I focused all this manic rabid energy towards my kids. I picked out special, clean and ironed matching clothes for them to wear, even if they hated them. I did their hair nicely, even if they hated it. I positioned them into nice and tidy poses, even if they didn’t want to.
I’ll try to recreate a little scene about how these photo ops used to go. First, I would bark at them from behind the camera, “Smile! Naturally! Look at the camera and smile! I’ll give you a treat if you can just do this one thing for me!”
but eventually, as they got more and more antsy, it would devolve into me going totally crazy and saying things like, “This isn’t hard, why are you making this so hard!”
“We’re not moving from here until I get a good smile out of all you guys AT THE SAME TIME, so just DO IT!”
But it wasn’t until I said the following that I realized how out of control my christmas picture mania was. I believe I yelled out “DAMMIT, YOUR FACES ARE RUINING MY PICTURE!!!!”.
What was happening here?! Their faces weren’t the issue. I love their faces! They don’t ruin anything. My issue was the issue! And it all stemmed from this mad desire to keep up appearances.
I wanted this Christmas card of the future to be not just any christmas card. I wanted it to be THE christmas card. The one that all my friends will pick up and ohhh and ahhh over. The one that will make them insanely jealous and wishing they could be me, with perfect kids and perfect house and perfect life. It would be the one that would prove to everyone that unschooling is the way to go. The one that would show how genius, beautiful, and awesome my kids are; ergo, how genius, beautiful and awesome I am. I wanted my christmas card to kick the asses of all the other christmas cards sent by everyone else during the entire season! The kind of card that is so over the moon amazing, my friends would send it to their friends because of the sheer awesomeness of it. This is why I was getting bent out of shape when my kids wouldn’t cooperate or live up to the ideal I had in my mind.
My issue, but I was taking it out on them.
I haven’t gotten rid of this deep deep desire to send the most ass kickingest Christmas card in the world. So when we get somewhere that is christmas card worthy, I tell my kids what’s going on. “OK, dudes, I want this on a christmas card! You know what that means. I want you looking and acting perfect, and it gets me all twitchy and bossy.”
The first time I owned up to this, they prodded around in my mind for a bit, in the way kids have that makes you realize how hypocritical adults really can be…”So, you care more about what people think of us than if we’re happy right now?” “I thought we weren’t supposed to care what other people thought as long as we were being ourselves?” “Why is it so important to you to make other people like us?” “Why do we have to pretend to be perfect and happyif it’s not who we are? We’re not perfect, and it’s more fun to be silly.” “Shouldn’t our Christmas card show who we are? Then why does being who we are make you so angry?”
This is usually how things go. It’s not like I became an unschooler and all of a sudden found my place of zen with perfect understanding and patience. But when I started unschooling, I learned to separate my issues from my kids. So when I do get frustrated or bossy, I own up to it as being from my own need. Sometimes they think about it and are OK accomodating me, so instead of me forcing anything to happen using threats and punishments, it becomes a joint effort. Sometimes they think about it and call bullshit. Which is what they did with my Christmas Card neurosis. They all decided they would rather be who they are than go along with my grand delusion of pretending to keep up a mythical appearance for other people. This is their way of telling me to check myself and walk the authentic walk.
Which is why our Christmas card this year might look like this:
Unschooling Advice::Get Off The Highway!
When the kids and I planned our trip up to the Pacific Northwest, we had some choices to make. The most important was who would have the food and snacks by their seat. The second most important was what route we’d take. We could go right up the 5, and get to Seattle in 16 hours. Or, we could get off the highway and take the back roads…this would add another 10 hours onto our trip. 10 hours in a small minivan and stinky kids who don’t have a huge love of long road trips (so ironic, since we go on them so often!). So, we went back and forth discussing the pros and cons of taking the highway vs. side roads.
The highway was appealing in a lot of ways. It would be quicker, for one thing. We’d get to our destination faster. It would be easier to keep track of things like time, speed, distance, and ETA, since we’d be on one highway going one speed most of the time. It would also be convenient…we’d have food, gas, and lodging the whole way up. What town doesn’t have a McDonalds, Chevron, and Holiday Inn?! In fact, that’s about all there is on the side of a highway. Same restaurants, same places to stay, same strip malls, same everything. It would be safe. Reliable. It would be….totally boring. Uninspiring. Monotonous. Routine. Impersonal. Soulless!
So we took the road less travelled. We got off the highway…we even got off the side road…and blazed our own trail!
It took us a lot longer, yes. We gave up the idea of knowing how long we’d be in any one place or when we’d actually get in to Seattle. We didn’t see a McDonalds for 3 days! We lingered when we found something beautiful and inspiring, and drove quicker in places we didn’t care to be. Anytime anyone yelled out “Oh! I want to see THAT!” we stopped on the side of the road.
We ate pancakes as big as our heads and met pastry baking pirates!
We saw big giant rocks floating up from the ocean and sunsets melting into the sea.
We saw groves of trees give way to building sized sand dunes. We marveled at every new turn. It was exciting. Inspiring! Full of personal connection and meaning!
It was a trip that is unique to us, at that time. We could go back and try to recreate it, retrace our steps, and we still wouldn’t be able to. We sacrificed time, efficiency, and traveling down a highway that everyone else was on. We traded in sameness and routine for other things like experience and individualization.
The parallels between these two different traveling modes and unschooling are uncanny. Whoever said that there is no more new frontier has never met an unschooler. We see new frontier all the time. It’s in the world around us, reflected in ourselves, and we see it with our own eyes. The current method of overstandardization and curriculum frenzy forgets this important part of the learning cycle. Exploration! Passion! Time! Interest! Excitement! An unblazed trail! The current system values efficiency at the expense of these things. Sure, it may get kids from point A to point B in a speedy, planned out manner, but they end up at point B sometimes wondering how they got there at all. Wondering if maybe point C wouldn’t have been better. Wishing they could have traded in some of the boredom for some of the fun.
This is where my patience comes from when people ask me things like if I’m worried that my daughter isn’t reading even though everyone else in 1st grade is. Or if I panic when my kids spend their days drawing or playing instead of working on worksheets or sitting in class. I’m not worried or panicked. I know that our journey is taking us places and down roads that are curvy and windy. I know that we’re not on a highway with only one destination. I know that we will eventually get there, but we’re having a lot of fun and seeing a lot of other things along the way!
Learning and standardization should never go hand in hand. Learning is, in fact, one of the most exciting journeys we go on in life. So why spend it on a highway, eating at McDonalds and seeing the same strip malls out the window when there’s so much more out there?
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this is part 4 in a series I like to call “Advice for a wannabe unschooler”. Parts 1 through 3 can be found here!
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